Paint It Black. Oh, and Pink.

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there’s something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It’s not too late
It’s never too late
– Never Too Late (Three Days Grace)

Sorry wordpress, it has been a little while — I’ve gone longer, but I have wanted to post the past week, I just didn’t have the opportunity, and I didn’t know what to say. My grandmomma, Becky, my stepfather’s mother, had a heart attack on the way to the hospital with my granddaddy, Buddy, where her heart stopped for quite a few minutes. They were able to resucitate her once she was taken in to the doctor’s care, but her heart continued to fail three more times that day, and by the next morning she was on full lifesupport, with high blood pressure – inducing medicine keeping her heart functioning. This was last Monday, April 19th, and she finally passed away on April 21st, after her organs just gave up on her. In my opinion, Becky was dead before she reached the hospital. Her body may have been functioning for another day and a half, but with the lack of oxygen, the doctor’s doubted there would be any brain activity, and something in me tells me that her soul had left when she was put into the car with Buddy.

The mourning and the grief has since passed, though I still find myself looking up and getting a little teary-eyed once a day or so, but I have come to terms with her death. Death is easy — her life was harder. This was the women who fought colon cancer for years, had an eye disease that made her all but 100% blind, and her hearing was bad from birth. She was in a lot of pain, and it’s comforting to know that she doesn’t have to hurt anymore. We buried her next to her parents, next to the open site where Buddy will join her whenever fate or God decides to let him go. It was a beautiful ceremony, with many flowers and adoring relatives, even some church members who didn’t know Becky, but came to support the family; one niece of Bec’s sung “In the Arms of An Angel” – by Sarah McLachlan. They listed me among the grandchildren, even though I was technically not blood-related, and that brought me to tears quicker than anything.  Good tears though, not the bad ones.

Closure. I guess that’s what I have. I won’t remember her as someone hooked up to all of those machines, or someone in great sickness — I can remember her as a sweet, caring grandmother who would do anything in her power to make someone smile, and who loved all of her family very much. Wow, how hard that was to type. The bare truth.

Now I’m moving on with my life, just presented my Senior Project last night thanks to wonderful help from my friends and… others. (: I wasn’t nervous going into the presentation room, but once I was around all my friends and saw how nervous they were, a knot in my stomach formed and I started thinking “should I be reacting that way?” But the only place my nerves showed was in my voice at the very beginning, and I slipped in some humor so that I could lighten up a bit. The judges actually helped me by asking good questions at the end, and my principal, Dr. Fraker, helped as well. Out in the hallway before I had to present, she said this: “Remember, every person in there is rooting for you to do a good job. They’re not out to hurt you, so you should relax and be proud of what you have accomplished. This is just the final stage.” I thought about that during my speech, and I barely had to look at my notecards, if only to keep myself on track. The fact that I knew two of the other students I was in a room with helped a little too, even if I didn’t know them well.

So with that stresser done and over with, all I have left now is to get accepted in to college. I know some might not believe me, but there is a real chance that I might not get accepted anywhere but a junior college or something small nearby. I know that I can’t get into anywhere out of state, but I have to give a few like KSU, Valdosta,  and Georgia State a try. Who knows? I might get lucky, or I might get a really trustful Dean who will ignore my 3.0 GPA and focus on my interview, or the way I can conduct myself. Or my spotless disciplinary record. Or the commitment I have put into my journalism (yearbook) class three of my four years. My AP and Honors classes should be taken into account too.

(: I am not extremely worried right now, but I want to go to college. It’s never really been an option; it’s always been something I have to do so that I don’t disappoint myself or my family.

My best friend Katrina and I are planning a trip to Wisconsin. Want me to be honest? We’re going to see a boy. Her boy. I won’t call him her boyfriend because, well, they’re complicated, and I completely understand that. He doesn’t want to rush into anything because of the distance and the fact that they’ve never had much communication offline. Or …any, actually. Never exchanged phone numbers, although she’s offered. And there is a pretty significant age difference — 10 years. You wouldn’t know it by seeing him though. I’ve seen him on webcam, and he is just her type – – perfect for her, really, in intelligence (he’s a scientist-in-training, on his 8th year of college), confidence, and wit. He earns everything he gets, and she loves that. She thinks I don’t understand, but I do.

I am going with her for 1) moral support, 2) so that she’ll have someone with her up there besides just him, and because 3) I have always wanted to visit the north. It’s a 16 hour drive, gonna cost me a little under $1,000, probably, but it’s worth it if I can see her experience some genuine happiness. Plus I think it’ll bring us a little closer together – haha, if that’s possible – and it’ll give me a whiff of being free and on my own. One downside it that I’ll probably have to lie to my parents about our motive, and who we’re traveling with (no one, but they can’t know that). We want to go in July, and I will have my license by then, but I will not be 18. Legally my parents will still have control over me, despite my being graduated from college. But I think if I word it just right and leave out a few details, they will happily let me go. It’s mainly just my mom. She’s not ready for me to grow up yet…

I think I have to go now, wordpress, but I will make posting a common thing again. I have my spark back (:  And I am determined to keep it.

Ciao.

 

Advertisements

Rawr.

#nowplaying “Whispers in the Dark” – Skillet

With every status update, nearly every tweet, text, or message, I insert a hidden meaning. I love  and hate my little hidden messages — some people understand them, some REALLY don’t. That’s why I don’t like them: they can be subjective, and mean different things to different people. My words almost always have a double meaning, even here on wordpress! Whether it be hidden in the quotes I give you all, the titles to my posts, or even the “Tags” I attach to them. Yeah. I’m that complex =P

Okay

. . .*deep breath*

The worst thing about my last relationship was actually getting to a “boyfriend/girlfriend” stage. I’m a coward, naturally, and that filters into all my “relationships” whether they be with friends, family, or …my romantic interests. So I had to wait until he, my ex, said “You mean this much to me, yada yada…, I want you to be a constant in my life. Would you like that?”  Me: “Like a girlfriend?” Him: “Yeah, just like a girlfriend.”  Easy.

I NEED them (boys) to be the forward type, because I’m never going to be that. I might want it desperately, but I’ll keep my mouth shut, and if we both keep quiet, we could miss out on a really good relationship. I mean what if my future husband didn’t want to be the first to speak up? No marriage. No possibility for me to find this unnatural love I seek. Damn; that would suck, right?

Well, that side of me’s come up again, and now I almost want to be brave.
Almost.

I feel like I’m walking on thin, thin ice, and any second I’m going to say something or do something that’s too jealous, annoying, or too unattractive (because we all know how low my self-esteem can run) and he’s going to run for the hills. Or that I’ll give something very very precious to me away, and it’ll mean nothing. WordPress, I’m sort of terrified.

Half of me these days stays terrified of making these mistakes, while the other half is completely calm. THAT side, the rational side, wants to be patient, and let things fall into place like they’re supposed to. I guess that’s the side that believes in fate — “Amanda,” its says, “if it was supposed to happen this way, good or bad, you’re going to have to accept that.” I should just let what happens happen, but geez that could take forever, right? Call me impatient. =/

I am laying it all out on the table here, I guess. Woops.
But part of you has to understand, this is still my outlet.

I want a relationship. And not just sex, or not just a wonderful connection. All of it. If I have to wait a year…
I guess I do.

Damn, damn, damn. I don’t want to be anxious, because he makes me feel the opposite of that.
*shifts*

So. Get out of this what you will.

(:

Goodnight.

I love you.

The title is inspired by

music.

#nowplaying “Say Hey, I Love You” – Michael Franti (feat. spearhead).

I say hey I be gone today
But I be back around the way
Seems like everywhere I go
The more I see
the less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you

Now wordpress knows all about my negative view on love. That hasn’t been a secret these past couple of angst-ridden years. But neither has my never-ending search for “l. o. v. e.” been a secret either. It’s like a unicorn or something — when you’re young, and vital, you just want it to be true, but you get older and realize that it’s not going to happen. But a little of that hope, that want, remains.

Now this song holds a little place with me because I saw them, Michael Franti & Spearhead, live. I got a hug, picture, and a kiss on the cheek from the electric guitarist, Jay (: They all opened for John Mayer (which I may have told you all before).  So I feel …proud of them? I’m not sure how to express that feeling. It’s the same I hold for Stephenie Meyer, and how popular her whole franchise has become. I want to just go up to her, slap her on the back and be like “YEAH, you go girl.” But…being tackled by her security isn’t how I want to spend my evening.

—-> I’ll add more to this later, wordpress. Gone to dinner.

Multi-tasker in the rain…

Alright, I’ve wanted to make a post for the longest time, but I hadn’t the chance or the time to sit down and focus on my blogging.

I just got off work a couple of hours ago, & I must say that this was a pretty bad day as far as workdays go. It started off with my manager hovering on my ass 100% of the time, changing my working position multiple times, and giving conflicting directions on what I should be doing. Yes, the job itself can be difficult at times, but it is not that hard. I do not need constant supervision of a woman who yells like a banshee, and doesn’t possess a lick of grammar. That specific manager is really good at her job, but her people skills and the way that she treats her employees could definitely use some work.

Saturday and Sunday I work, both at 7 am, so that is both good for my paycheck, and easy on my sleep schedule. Today I had to get up at 4am to be at work at 5, and I was so tired by 10am I was ready to drop. Yes, it was my fault that I stayed up a little later than I’d planned to, but…I’m not regretting it. I was on webcam with Rapha and I get so caught up in him sometimes, so distracted by the way he talks to me and such, that I don’t notice or mind the time. Who cares.

WordPress, wherever you’re located, I hope the weather there is better than it is here. The exact opposite of what I like in good weather has been occuring: hot, humid, and sometimes rainy downpours that pop up in any instant, and make for a very muggy afternoon. That’s what happened today. All three. Georgia is usually a good place to live because it has a stable environment, less busy cities, while still maintaining an urban atmosphere.

Oh, something I never mentioned to you all — I went camping for Spring Break, in a local lake, with my family and closest friend, Katrina, who I have mentioned before. We left yesterday afternoon due to financial and energy constraints, so for the rest of the break, besides the times I have to work, I have nothing to do. Which, if you think about it, isn’t that much time. Like…tonight, tomorrow day & night, and then the weekend evenings.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll go see a movie or something, if I can get the money from mom.

My self-esteem is pretty much nilch, which I have tried to explain to some people (person), but lately I’ve felt a little…better about myself. Having someone close to you that treats you exceptionally well, and seems to see you in a positive light will make anyone perk up, but I have the luck of having this someone be extremely attractive, both in mind and spirit. Lucky me (:

I hate that I can’t post at school anymore, which was what I used to use to update so often, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’m really anxious for this year to finish out, and a brand new one to start…