I started Jasper .

It’s a new story I was planning. I guess you could call this a prologue, or a preamble of sorts. I’m not sure exactly where this story will go, I’m moreover “flying by the seat of my pants”. I hate having to break/stop writing to go to school. I can never focus as much when I’m in class. Thank God for an early release week. Just in time:


A boy.

A teenager.

A son.

A pianist.

Titles mean so little to me these days. To my father and my instructors they mean the world — a title makes them feel more important and wanted, makes them feel like they belong, but I don’t need a title to belong. I have my music to teach me that.

I grew up where the piano was regarded about as highly as meatloaf. Since I was fourteen, since the first time I heard the classical melody of a wide-brassed piano, I centered myself around music entirely. My only parent, my father, was much more supportive of the instrument than I’d hoped beforehand. He bought me my first set of professional keys when I was fifteen, come to watch my first mini-recital at H.A.D — but I’m getting ahead of myself now.

The story of where I come from and where I am is complicated. Complicated is a nice way of putting it. Saying my life has been complicated is like saying a tree has a leaf. No shit.I haven’t had the luck with the girls like my brothers did when they were flunking through highschool, but I did manage to keep two ladies in my life: my best friend Melony, and my piano. It wasn’t a hundred percent mine, for it belonged to the H.A.D organization, but through the years I’ve spent there, my fingers have run along the smooth black & white keys enough to claim it as such. She is mine, and I am her’s. Yes, forever her’s.

Meredith says that I can become great, the Ludwig Beethoven of my time.

But I don’t play for her either.

I play for the crowd, and for Melony on occasion, and for my father. I’ve played for audiences all over the state of New Hampshire. But I have one melody that I play only for myself.

I could never quite bring myself to name it. It is simply my favorite. I take care to make sure my ears are the only ones to hear it; playing on my piano in the late hours at H.A.D, or, if there are others around, I will move my fingers over the keys without pressing them, enjoying the familiarity of following the pattern of my favorite.




So, it’s 12:00 AM and…

I just got my stuff together.     What stuff? My stuff. My shiz. It’s taken a little while to kick my ass into gear, but a single call home and a long walk in the woods helped shift my consciousness back to Earth.

I sat in my floor surrounded by the messiness that were my folders and my schoolbag, and I ruffled through everything, crumpling up & throwing away all the unnecessary notes & doodles that build up over time (there were alot…trust me…), keeping the important stuff that I need to bring up my grades, and the notes that will help me keep those grades steady once they are brought up. My mother was furious with me yesterday when a certain Chemistry teacher of mine called her saying “Hey..er..Amanda has like a 64 in my class and the grade cut-off is next week so..er…if your daughter doesn’t get her act together, she’s going to fail my class. Here is what she can do to make it up, though she’s known about these assignments for the past two weeks.” But tonight, as I type this, I finally feel like I got through to myself. It wasn’t really the Chemistry teacher that did it, it was time alone with my thoughts without worrying about deadlines, scheduling, conferences, dates, worries, family, relationships; nothing. I got that time today, and it felt great.

For school I have one paper that I need to retype, one that I need to BS my way through (I’m really, really good at that in this particular subject, and it’s due tomorrow so I’ll need to make sure I get THAT done), a Chemistry portfolio that I need to organize (I have all the papers, I just need to put them in order), and last but not least, organize something to do for tomorrow’s campaign in Honors Gov’t. I am running for “governor” of…our..classroom, I guess, and although I’m running against this *cough, cough* ..less intelligent being who doesn’t know the first thing about choices, policies, or politics, if I don’t have anything with my slogan or my face on it tomorrow, I’m going to be up to my eyes in irony. I can see the headline: “Redneck Cody wins because Amanda didn’t anything to show she was really trying to win this”. Plus this whole thing is for a grade, and I really respect that teacher, so I can’t just say “O WELL” and let her down. I  hate people being disappointed in me.

On a lighter note, outside of school, remember that “moment” I talked about earlier?” I had decided that it was a beautiful mid-afternoon day outside and I had the strong urge to go for a walk. But walking around my neighborhood is (A) boring, (B) people just gawk at you like you grew two heads or something because they’re all extremely nosy, (C) repetitive because all my neighborhood does is make loops and couldesacs. So I looked at the woods that surround my hood, and found them much, much more interesting. I walked through one random person’s backyard (they weren’t around/or weren’t home), someone without a fence, and took off through the woods. At first it was difficult to walk through becaue I was wearing heeled shoes and the vegetation gets really thick around the treeline, but after ten minutes or so of walking it cleared out nicely. I kept walking for a good twenty minutes more, following a deer trail, but always going in ONE direction so I knew that if I turned completely on my heels and walked I could walk straight back to my neighborhood. No sense in getting lost ;]

With my neighbor’s faithful labroador retriever at my side, I kept going until I saw a bright clearing through the groves of pine trees. I hauled myself over the biggest fallen tree and there was a meadow! (All Twilight fans can scream.. NOW.) It was beautiful; it was wide and open with no trees. The setting sun hit it directly and you could see butterflies and other little buggies flying around. It smelled like lavendar (probably because the stuff was growing everywhere you could see), and had grasses that came up a little past knee-length. I sat down in the grass for who knows how long, my phone turned off, alone (minus the dog), and just relaxed. I thought about my stories a little, about the fact that I was in a secret place of my own where no one knew where I was and no one could interrupt me. I was smiling alot too, :D.

After an hour or two, the sun was getting so low I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find my way back home, so I took off through the woods again, walking a straight line home. I’ve only shared this with you. I didn’t tell my parents because they’re the type to be like “Er, okay, that’s cool. Meadow, WHOO.” and laugh at my expense. I love simplicity, a rare form of peace and quiet, good weather and nature. They don’t get it. Not many people do.

I must bid you all a goodnight because I actually have to start on that to do list now. It all doesn’t have to be finished by tomorrow morning, but my day will be alot more stress-free if it is. Goodnight, my luvs.

Meep! None..at all?

I am no longer writing to you from the smallest town on earth, Georgia.

At least not for the next three days, anyway. I am staying with my sister a few miles away. You wanna know the worst thing about being here? My laptop officially has no internet connection. Fin. Nada. Zilch. Thank God for his precious creation that is my sister’s Desktop, but it’s slower than what I’m used to with my usual speed. I’m so used to my laptop.

Plus, on this computer she has no word. No Microsoft Word, Notepad, Wordpad…anything that I could use to update my readers on my fanfiction. *whines desperately* I took my laptop and my charger with me, luckily, so I can continue to write my chapters, I just can’t publish them online! Damn my wireless card for not picking up WiFi! -flails-

I didn’t get to sleep until 5:30 AM this morning because I was so distracted. Multiple reasons, really– (1) I was working on my fanfiction, but (2) I just have so much to think about lately. School, yes, but my interest in anything but writing has dwindled lately.

I just can’t get my mind off of one subject in particular. And it’s killing me, and I can’t do anything about it. Suffer in smiles and silence and hope the feelings drift or some big black hole takes us all. I’m honestly hoping for the later. =]

Weird? Tell me about it. You should see what these thoughts are like in my head *shivers*.

So here I am without the ability to update my fanfiction (you have to have a word document saved, and UPLOAD it onto fanfiction; you can’t just type it in a document on the website. I wish you could.)

I’m sorry for the lapse in not updating. I will update again soon, my luvvies.

You should read dsheet’s latest short story/story in progress. It’s awfully good.

FF, very important! :)


I just learned something. Fanfictions is very important to meh :]] Without the continuance of the Twilight Saga to look forward to, my daily dose of Edward Cullen & Bella Swan has been cut off — leading me to ramle about them constantly to all close friends and relatives. (sorry guys :[[ ). Let’s just say they have been suffering, if not: telling me to SHUT UP.

I can’t help it; I love the book, and I love the series.

But besides the obvious. FanFiction is a great way to explore fellow fans’ thoughts on how they could see the book going. There are stories that focus on “Bella before she met Edward”, “Bella if she’d been a vampire when she met Edward”, “Bella & Edward (both human)”, “Bella and Jacob in a relationship ” *shudders violently*. Those are the word. TEAM EDWARD 100%!!!

I recently gave in and made an account on fanfiction. “teamedwardc101” — yesh, it’s completely obvious, I know. I am not a complex individual.

Please check it every once in a while; hopefully soon I’ll have stories posted that  you guys can read & review. I’m not the world’s best writer, so we’ll see on the quality…but I’m sure to have plenty of quantity.  I’ve been writing for a few days on something that I’m thinking of posting. I guess that little voice in the back of my head is just terribly afraid of too-harsh-a-criticizm, but give me a day or two and I’ll get over it.


Does anyone agree with me that  

Ipods are simply amazing?


Writing to you, whoever thee may be, from the

Smallest-Town-On-Earth, Georgia.

Muh muirn beatha dan

Muh mùirn beatha dán, to be accented correctly.

It means “My one True Love”– it’s Gaelic (old Celtic). And it’s beautiful, it’s pronounce beautifully as well.

I’ve wanted to get interested in a new language (besides the basic Spanish)

And I chose Latin. 1200-1500 B.C. Latin.

But Gaelic is really, really pretty too. Yet it’s a lot harder to learn, because of all the accents & stuff!

We’ll see :))

Muh muirn beatha dan doesn’t refer to a highschool fling, or a temporary boyfriend; even someone you have “strong feelings for”. It’s meaning literally translates into “my one true love”; but that is an understatement. In those times, referring to someone as your beatha dan was to say that they were your soulmate, and that without them you have no reason for breath–no reason for life.

No, I haven’t found mine; and I don’t know if I will anytime soon. But whether I’m looking forward to meeting him, and experiencing that deep, compassionate love that can only lead to forever, I also feel very patient. You can’t rush perfection, right? Perfection might be pushing it a little– but love is blind. 🙂 I have a quote from one of the stories I’m reading, and it says:

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.” – Mother Theresa. I think that is so true

I go to school with people that think unsatisfying, sexual relationships mean that the partner they are committing it with “wants” them. They feel wanted because it’s on a physical level, but whether it is more subconcious or not, the loneliness sets in when you have no one you are completely free around: no one to truly want you, to be around you, to hug you and talk to you no matter how utterly annoying you are. I have people like that, and I know that it would be worse than death to feel that sense of abandonment, of loneliness. And the quote that I leave you with today, luvs?

Music is given to us specifically to make order of things, to move from an anarchic, individualistic state to a regulated, perfectly conscious one, which alone insures vitality and durability.” – Igor Stravinsky

So, so true. I love my music :]]]