Pause.

Pause.

This is the moment of silence. *waits*

Okay, now the pledge. *pledge*

Alright now that I’m done with all that from first period.

Hello, wordpress, I’ve missed you in the few days I haven’t posted anything. Let’s do a brief overview of my life in the past few days: I have been in contact with an Irish Brazilian, Raphael. He’s pretty cool “)

I got my letter, my rejection letter, from Minnesota U last week — I can’t remember if I put that in my last post. I wasn’t really depressing at the time but later on this week, when my mind started going over all the things that I’d wanted to do up there, it brought my mood down to extreme levels. Well, extreme levels for me. I never thought I’d be such a slacker in highschool — and compared to some of my friends and some people I’ve seen, I’m not even that bad! — but I slacked enough not to get into my #1 school, and that just makes me want to go curl up in a ball somewhere.

My mom’s lung disease is back to kicking her ass again; my dad has to get glasses because his vision is getting so bad (a product of his aneursym surgery, no doubt); my brother is in an alcohol/drug depression he can’t seem to get out of; I’m still single.

See? Plenty of reasons to not feel your “bestest.”

I wish I was one of those people who just see life as such a deep blessing, and thank the stars and the Lord every day for being able to walk on this planet. They look to the cosmos with wonder, while I look to the stars for a way out. Instead of imagining all the glory of an undiscovered planet or another realm or some shit, I’m looking up there hoping an alien ship happens to be passing buy that has an extra seat open. Yep.

So now it’s almost March and I have to kick myself into gear. Wanna know the truth, wordpress? I’m scared. I’m scared to be alone for the rest of my life just because of the way I look or the slightly antisocial way I act. I’m don’t act that way with everybody… just the extremely redneck or ghetto ones that I don’t take a liking to. A friend of mine, Emily, tells me that I’m one of the sweetest people she knows, and though I don’t think I deserve that title and really believe the compliment should be reversed back on to her, it gives me a little insight that not everybody thinks I’m scary bad. Another friend, Daniel, tells me that I’m a wonderful person that will get someone who’ll appreciate me soon. But when it soon, 30 years? I don’t know if my fragile emotional cusp can take that. I have been asked out once, I’ve never been kissed, never been held (in that way) by anyone who cared for my feelings. I’m just lonely damnit, and I need to stop complaining about it.

Some how my school’s “anti-educational-site-tracking-software” has not picked up wordpress yet. Good news for me 🙂 They’ve blocked almost everything other outlet I have to express my problems. So if they do read this, THANK YOU. Please don’t block this. I won’t let you down — good school *pats*, good school.

Remember that list of crushes? It has been fluxuating for the past month, and I think I’ve got it down to four, one of which I could never have. He is the pitcher for our school’s baseball team and, dude, he’s beautiful. The asian sort of beautiful — just my type. He’s a very “good” kid, carries a tiny little bible in his slingbag, and goes to FCA every Thursday like I should. And he also has a girlfriend, a very pretty girlfriend who doesn’t treasure him nearly as much as he should be treasured, in my opinion. So there’s really no hope there.

But the other three, *shrug* they have their hopeful moments. Two of which give me daily hugs which just brighten up my day most of the time, especially those long hugs (I sound desperate as fuck.). Anyway. And the other is a complex individual I have yet to really sort out. First, I have to truly befriend him — I talk to him now, sit with him at lunch sometimes (not just him, a group of people), but it’s not close enough for us to know each other — and then I’ll go from there.

*nervous laugh* Yeah. All three are tall, taller than me, too. *ponders* Is that a #secretturnon, as Kaylle might say. ^-^ Don’t think so.

Nah, most asians are short.

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The ChecKwoOd.

My teacher is a horse of a different color.

He is also as mad as a hatt’a.

I have had this man for three of my four years in highschool, inconsecutively. He can be loud and dramatic, but is also very attentive and honed in to the emotions and personalities of his students.
At the beginning of last year I had a very negative view on his teaching style and the way he carries himself; it was all immature resentment based upon a sentence he said to me my freshman year.

He was correct in telling me: “if you keep your writing style that way, you won’t get anywhere.” NOW I recognize this statement to be true. But freshman year? I was young, and quite emotional (the latter category to which I still belong), and,if I can remember correctly, my days back then were depressing. So with my aspiring dreams of being a writer “crushed” by the 9th grade Lit. teacher I respected very much…I naturally got pissed.

And I carried that idiotic demeanor until about 1/4 of the way into my 11th grade year, after being in his class for 9 weeks. Now, I see him as a divinely unique creature, one of little importance to my life, but a lot of merit. Or maybe I have that backwards.

As a teacher, he is precise and well-read, educated and straightforward — but as a person he seems very cynical (which I relate to) but hopeful. Simultaneously. I know…a walking, breathing contradiction. -shrug-  I will not pretend to know the workings inside his personal life, but I know that he has children and was just recently divorced (don’t know why, not sure I’d like to know, considering how sad divorce makes me after my parents).

A part of me wishes I knew him outside of school, and I know which part.

But in 8 months, a year… 2? He won’t even remember my name.

And that’s fine. Let him be an influence to another person, another “Samantha”. 🙂 I’ll move on
to life.

Cog in the Machine.

Y e s, I’ve changed my WordPress layout again.
Y’know what?

Blow me.

I like how it looks.

I’ve been reading a lot of Fanfiction lately, making up for how lonely and mundane my life has been. I’m not complaining because it hasn’t been nearly as bad as I was used to; this is just a monotony that I’m sure I’ll grow out of, but until then Fanfiction it is!

My top five FFs written by the best I could find, would be: “Changing Prejudices” – by IHateCleanBreaks, “If Every Word I Said Could Make You Laugh” – by carmelinagunn, “Healing” – by freakyhazeleyes, “Emancipation Proclamation” – by Kharizzmatik, “Only Human” – by Amethyst Jackson.

Other than those stories, I like quite a few stories by IHateCleanBreaks and carmelinagunn. They are both so talented, and freakyhazeleyes too.

I write a little FF here and there; almost always about Twilight, and always dealing with vampires in some form or fashion. “Vampire Academy” , Richelle Mead’s wonderful novel, inspired me to do a one-shot that I’ve expanded into a full story. But lately I haven’t had the muse to update any of my FF stories…like in a long time. It gives me a feeling of letting people down, especially with my Rose x Dimitri story (the VA one, called “Now We Know”); it’s the same feeling I get when I don’t write on any of my novellas for a long time. I have a lot of writing potential, and I’m just not using any of it up.

These are my teenage, emotional-rollercoaster angsty days! I should be writing more!

This “writing posts at school” thing is getting pretty frequent. No, I didn’t post in 6th yesterday like I mentioned I might, because a) we got out of school early yesterday, so no 6th period, and b) I wouldn’t have had time, with all the work we do in there.

I actually love my computer applications class! Me. The one who hates numbers and figures and can’t process math worth a shit.

To deflate my ego a bit, I must mention that I’m in that class with all freshmen, and an all-freshmen teacher (she’s pregnant, due soon 🙂 ). So it’s not like I have that many people to impress; I’m usually done with my work quickly, because most of it’s just typing in numbers and names into Microsoft Excel, or creating brochures and pamphlets or calendars in Microsoft Publisher. Yep. This school is a huge fan of anything Dell/Microsoft related.

Once again, class change is coming soon. In my next class I know we’re taking a hell-of-a-lot-of notes on the different revolutions in history. We just finished up with the French Revolution (at least I think we’re finished…), Czar Alexander I just took out most of Napolean’s men when they tried to storm Moscow. He and 10,000 of his men were all that made it home, and then he was exiled. Twice. We haven’t gotten any farther than that.

And then third period we have to review for a test I have coming up Monday. A MATH test. >.<  Algebra II > Trigonometry, though. When I took my Trig tests it was sort of a given that I was going to fail. With Alg., I actually have a chance (and SUCH a better teacher 😉 ).

4th is the class I don’t look forward to. It has none of my “crushes” there (yes, I’m still going through that phase), and yes, it’s got a few of my friends; but it is my most advanced Literature class, and he really hasn’t done anything anywhere near my field of interest in, let’s say, 3 months?

Yeah.

Tomorrow my step-sister is planning on us skipping our first two classes and going to Waffle House. Damn good idea, I know. (*sarcasm*), but I need an off day. (er..half-day. Third-day. Whatever.) We would have done it today but neither of us remembered to get money from our parents (who remain oblivious), and we were already in the school parking lot pulling into our parking space when we thought of it. Horrible timing, if I do say so myself.

I must leave you, WordPress.
Till another day, another class.

Rebel.

I’m getting a little choked up over here. I went on authorsden.com, where I submitted most of my poetry a few months ago, and for some reason I checked the stats on my account: over 1,000 hits!

That might not seem like much to those of you that get thousands for every wordpress post, but I get like maybe…10 a month…and to have that many people reading my writing just makes my heart clench a little. I keep asking myself “why?” But I don’t get an answer. Why would that many people write the hopeless-romantic-non rhyming crap I write down in “poetry form”?

I guess it’s their gift of generousity. Either way, I LOVE IT. 🙂

Forgive me for the typos, for I’m writing from my school’s computer and it acts funny; blocks funny (usually unnecessary) stuff.

In other news, I am still donating blood next Tuesday. But now I got a friend to go along with me! Just one sitting at a blood drive can save the lives of three people, did you know that? My hour or so sitting in the lunchroom/hallway of an elementary school could save someone’s life. And that’s why I do it, that’s why I donate.

Graduation from highschool is coming up on me really fast. A part of me is so extremely happy to be moving on and growing up. I want to have my own house and decorate it, meet a man who I can begin to…love?…and start a family all my own. Isn’t that the “American Dream”?

College is scary though, intimidating. Highschool has always been realtively easy for me, when I actually try, and the friends and connections I’ve made here, I don’t want to lose! But it’s inevitable, isn’t it? 😦 I feel like acting like a 5 year old and stomping my foot, but that won’t change anything either.

Class change is about to happen; I have to get off the computer.
Maybe I’ll post again in 6th period. Maybe not.

*waves*