what I want & what I believe.

My friends & I were talking the other day about “love“. I told them that I didn’t believe in it, receiving  a collective gasp about the room. “How can you not believe in love?!” they said. “That’s like heresy!”

I believe in the subjective love you receive from your Father, your parents, your family — but that isn’t the storybook, head-over-heels, Cinderella story, murin beatha dan compassion & infinite loyalty and heat that love supposedly is. Show me a couple that is in true, true love, and I will show you a fairytale. A good friend of mine had a theory: love has avoided me. It’s “out there”, as he might say. But I have neither seen it, nor experienced it, so how am I supposed to know?

Sure, I’ve seen and witnessed LUST, and FASCINATION. Fascination I’ve experienced myself and confused it with “liking”, or “pursuing”; and lust…well, I think everyone develops lust for a few members of the population, especially when you’re a teenager, but whether you act upon those feelings of attraction is stricly up to your moral code. My code says no, no action — and I haven’t. Per se.

I think two people can fight with each other, pull each other through some seriously hard times, befriend on another, be caught up (fascinated) with one another, be loyal, be jealous & protective, or envious; but “in l.o.v.e”? Yet to be proven.

Don’t comment me and say “Blahh, you’re just pessimistic & asking for attention,” because honestly I don’t think barely anyone reads this blog. If I wanted attention I’d put it on MySpace or something. I just want to ask for some accounts, or witness statements of when you’ve seen true love. No childish scenes of gazing into each other’s eyes. I mean the kind of love you see in Nicholas Sparks novels & Jane Austen flicks, or even in Stephenie Meyer’s books; the kind of love that you will die for to protect and savor. No one seems to get those feelings anymore & that’s kind of sad.

What do I want? I want a guy that can be chilvarous at times and not think I’m going to go all “feminist” on him; I want a guy that can star-gaze with me, & listen to awesome music without throwing my bands under the bus; I want a guy that isn’t going to boss me around and try to act like my dad, but who wants to protect me and keep me from harm, whether it be emotional or physical; I want someone with manners and a lick of dignity; I want a man that can be my best friend, someone who cracks me up and enjoys just spending time with me without expecting someone, but who can also be my companion & my partner.
What do I believe? I believe the sun should never set upon an argument; I believe we place out happiness in other people’s hands; I believe that junk food tastes so good because it’s bad for you; I believe your parents did the best job they know how to do; I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem; I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned; I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side; I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye;  I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality; I believe that trust is more important than monogomy; I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul; I believe that family is worth more than money or gold; I believe that struggle for financial freedoms is unfair — I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires; I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness.(Affirmation – Savage Garden)


Shimmering Silver

I just woke up from the strangest dream. It was dramatic, it was suspenseful & terrifying, and calm at the same time.

Dreams never happen in order, but I’ll try to put down the plotline as much as I can while I can still remember it.

Daniel, Chloe, me, & my neighbor’s cat. That’s all the characters from it I can remember. We 3 snuck into a luncheon/press conference for President Obama, but when we got there it was only 3 and the event didn’t start until 9, so we dodged security (again) and took the elevator to the ground floor to look for something to do

Suddenly the dream switched (or I forgot) and Daniel had a laptop, an ollldd laptop; he kept saying, “We have to break into this thing, but it’s really difficult.” There was something on the harddrive that we desperately needed, and had to protect, but I forget what it is. The three of us came to this broken down, ivy-covered house/shack/building (it’s still fuzzy). I remember Chloe touching one of the tree limbs that had fallen through the holey roof and saying, “It looks much better in the dark.” (I guess we visited that place some time earlier in the dream) I was the one that discovered this little patch of shimmering silver on one of the tables. I swiped my hand across it, and every one attached itself to my hand.

I realize then that it wasn’t glitter or special effects, like it looked like, they were thousands of tiny silver bugs. And they multiplied when attached to a human host. Fast.

They spread to Daniel and Chloe’s legs quickly, and we found running was the only thing to shake them off. Once the bugs were off you they didn’t track you down or chase you, they just lay there on the ground as if they were in a trance. Daniel was still running with the computer and the bugs were beginning to hurt wherever they were touching.

We ended up at a house, my house I think, where Daniel pulled out the laptop and did something with it, finding out the information we needed. A last few bugs that had survived the drive over dropped off of us, and, as a group, moved into one of my neighbor’s backyard.
Daniel said, “They’ve migrated on; we should tell someone.” I in turn said, “No, they’re not a danger anymore. Let’s just go home.”

It was the most complete dream I’ve ever had. What Obama had to do with it, or my Chemistry friends had to do with it, I’ll never know. I remember their voices, Chloe and Daniel’s were very smooth and crisp, like  I was forcing words out and there voices flowed out of their mouths with ease. Silky voices. Don’t ask the significance, because I couldn’t tell you.

When I woke up (about 18 minutes ago), I felt a huge sense of relief. Whether it was relief from never having been exposed to those micro-chip looking bugs, or being out of the presence of Chloe and Daniel when I couldn’t compare to them, I don’t know. In the dream, I felt like a warrior. Warrioress, I suppose. But outside of it I remembered how ruged my voice was in comparison, and it made me feel small.

I thought back about my day, and wasn’t surprised that I’d had a dream like that. Daniel was in the theatre when I came in there today, with a laptop, focusing on something I didn’t know about. So there’s one part of the dream. Chloe and Daniel are the ones I talk to in my Chemistry class. So there’s another.
But beyond that, it was just a bunch of things I had on my mind, I guess.
So strange my mind is.

Blue October – Into the Ocean

I’m just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I’d rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I’d be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like ‘fourteen miles away’

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I’m sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I’m cold as cold as cold can be

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion… yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now…come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I’m left behind
I’m treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I’m reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion… yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now…come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove that I knew how (yeah)
It’s midnight’s late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean…end it all

Besides the frequent repetition of “boy”, & the “end it all” suggesting death instead of change, those lyrics have fit my mood for the past…eh…7 months? Not depressed, or sad: just zonked out, wanting to escape. If that’s to Minnesota, or just to escape this hell of a house, or to get away from people in my life that I’m getting to close to: beats me. But this song makes me feel better (( it says what I’ve been trying to get out. ))

It’s a beautiful song — my favorite right now, actually. The lead singer of Blue October has a beautiful voice, to be a guy, and the music isn’t too shabby either.

Anybody wants to get a jump on an early Christmas/Birthday present for me?…other than a gift card to Borders, I would want this CD. You get me either of those, and I will love you until you get sick of me. No joke — try me. 🙂

Urban Fantasy RC

http://urbanfantasyland.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/urban-fantasy-land-readers-choice-awards/<— You should go there and vote for your favorite author/novel. It’s a decent website; I got it from Richelle Mead’s weblog.

Hey Jason! 🙂

Blushes & Laughter & Plums, oh my (E)!

I am literally in the middle of something very strange.
I am eating a plum that tastes like liquor!

And before you ask…yes, I know what liquor tastes like. Strangely, and as shocking as it can be at first, I actually like it. Also, before you ask, oh no, I do not drink. Frequently, at least. I have been known to on a social occasion. But the plum tastes like Barcadi Superior & grape juice, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just aged.

Besides de plum, (that sounds like Sebastian off of the Little Mermaid…)
I did something else today (besides dragging my lazy bum all over the house lazily, watching STARZonDemand movies, eating Spinach&Mushroom pizza, and watching my neighbor’s dogs while they’re away on vacation (for denero!). I laughed.

No, I did not giggle. I did not scoff, or have a little chuckle (now I sound Irish). I LAUGHED. And it was over something so insignificant, and plain hilarious that if any other person had been in my bedroom when it started, they would’ve guess I’d gone plum out-of-my-mind. I will not discole in great detail what it was exactly that made me laugh. It was something I said to myself, something I’d heard my friend say many times and I hadn’t realized I’d begun to pick it up. Once I realized what was coming out of my mouth, the laughter started and I swear it just wouldn’t stop. My sides hurt from laughing so hard! I started crying because it was really just stupid enough to be super-amusing!! And I know if I hadn’t already been laying in the middle of my bed, I would have fallen off.

I was on my laptop, so I figured looking back at my computer and reading something on the screen would make it stop….and to my dismay…wouldn’t you know it that the very next screen that I pulled up, had a side-note from the author (I was reading Fanfiction) that read the exact word I had been laughing about. It was out of context, of course, because “in context” wouldn’t have made any sense unless it was from anyone but my friend, but it only made my “condition” worse. That poor author, from Zimbabwe or Wisconsin or wherever the heck she was from had no clue that a little “A/N Author’s Note” had me dying in laughter from my house in the southern U.S.

Needless to say, it didn’t help.
And typing this I have this big, stupid smile on my face that won’t go away, because writing it down (figuratively…I’m typing) just makes me remember it again and again, and it’s funny. At least I’ve stopped shaking from laughter.

Oh yeah!
And I blushed today!
James (one of my close guy friends I met over this summer) says I blush all the time, but I never really notice because my cheeks are always pink. I could be in the freezing cold, or in a stale, un-tempered room, and my cheeks would look the slightest tint of pink. I’ve always considered it a blessing because that’s money I don’t have to spend on blush =)
But my cheeks were bright pink in the mirror when I walked past it. It makes me feel like a little kid, but that’s good sometimes.

At least some part of me is still a kid while it can be. I like that part of me.


I escaped!

Yesterday, I was able to get up at 11 AM, be lazy for a few hours until I had to go to school at 1:15. Today?

I got to school at the normal time, but when third period was over (around 10:15), I rushed to text my brother to come get me. The problem?, you ask? I didn’t have the pass to leave the school. At all. I didn’t even fill out that “early release” form in the first place!
But…I was not about to sit in the lunch room for four hours until the buses showed up to take us home at the regular time. Sorry, but my Zune was dying, and I had no friends staying after, so I was not about to be bored out of my mind, sitting with all the freshmen that couldn’t get rides home either.

I told my brother just to pick me up at the front of the school. So I convinced my fourth period teacher that I needed to go to the office (which technically, I should have needed to go there), and bee-lined it straight out the front double doors. My brother wasn’t on my sign-out sheet and I really didn’t feel like going through all the trouble of calling my mom, getting permission, etc. It was easier just to walk out and into my brother’s awaiting truck.

I was out of there before lunch 😉 So to speak.

Sunday 11, 2009

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD and has made the LORD his hope and confidence.” – Jeremiah 17:7

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new ever morning.” Lamentations 3:22-23

“It is done unto you as you belive.” Matthew 9:29

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” – Book Unknown.

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s spirit lives in you?”1 Corithians 3:16

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer, my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry before him, into his ears.” Psalm 18:2-6


I love scripture :]
Yes — sometimes it can get confusing — but sometimes it is so direct and straightforward that it might as well be slapping in your face.

I have one message that a preacher, Joel Osteen, spoke this morning in his ministries. He said, “If the plan you had written did not work, if something didn’t happen the way you’d planned it, forget it. Focus on the bigger plan that the LORD has for you. That doesn’t mean you give up on your plan, you rise up and shine, and take a different path (even if it is on the same subject or in the same direction). God will never fail you, he will take you there another way.”

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