#nowplaying “Whispers in the Dark” – Skillet

With every status update, nearly every tweet, text, or message, I insert a hidden meaning. I love  and hate my little hidden messages — some people understand them, some REALLY don’t. That’s why I don’t like them: they can be subjective, and mean different things to different people. My words almost always have a double meaning, even here on wordpress! Whether it be hidden in the quotes I give you all, the titles to my posts, or even the “Tags” I attach to them. Yeah. I’m that complex =P


. . .*deep breath*

The worst thing about my last relationship was actually getting to a “boyfriend/girlfriend” stage. I’m a coward, naturally, and that filters into all my “relationships” whether they be with friends, family, or …my romantic interests. So I had to wait until he, my ex, said “You mean this much to me, yada yada…, I want you to be a constant in my life. Would you like that?”  Me: “Like a girlfriend?” Him: “Yeah, just like a girlfriend.”  Easy.

I NEED them (boys) to be the forward type, because I’m never going to be that. I might want it desperately, but I’ll keep my mouth shut, and if we both keep quiet, we could miss out on a really good relationship. I mean what if my future husband didn’t want to be the first to speak up? No marriage. No possibility for me to find this unnatural love I seek. Damn; that would suck, right?

Well, that side of me’s come up again, and now I almost want to be brave.

I feel like I’m walking on thin, thin ice, and any second I’m going to say something or do something that’s too jealous, annoying, or too unattractive (because we all know how low my self-esteem can run) and he’s going to run for the hills. Or that I’ll give something very very precious to me away, and it’ll mean nothing. WordPress, I’m sort of terrified.

Half of me these days stays terrified of making these mistakes, while the other half is completely calm. THAT side, the rational side, wants to be patient, and let things fall into place like they’re supposed to. I guess that’s the side that believes in fate — “Amanda,” its says, “if it was supposed to happen this way, good or bad, you’re going to have to accept that.” I should just let what happens happen, but geez that could take forever, right? Call me impatient. =/

I am laying it all out on the table here, I guess. Woops.
But part of you has to understand, this is still my outlet.

I want a relationship. And not just sex, or not just a wonderful connection. All of it. If I have to wait a year…
I guess I do.

Damn, damn, damn. I don’t want to be anxious, because he makes me feel the opposite of that.

So. Get out of this what you will.



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