Paint It Black. Oh, and Pink.

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there’s something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It’s not too late
It’s never too late
– Never Too Late (Three Days Grace)

Sorry wordpress, it has been a little while — I’ve gone longer, but I have wanted to post the past week, I just didn’t have the opportunity, and I didn’t know what to say. My grandmomma, Becky, my stepfather’s mother, had a heart attack on the way to the hospital with my granddaddy, Buddy, where her heart stopped for quite a few minutes. They were able to resucitate her once she was taken in to the doctor’s care, but her heart continued to fail three more times that day, and by the next morning she was on full lifesupport, with high blood pressure – inducing medicine keeping her heart functioning. This was last Monday, April 19th, and she finally passed away on April 21st, after her organs just gave up on her. In my opinion, Becky was dead before she reached the hospital. Her body may have been functioning for another day and a half, but with the lack of oxygen, the doctor’s doubted there would be any brain activity, and something in me tells me that her soul had left when she was put into the car with Buddy.

The mourning and the grief has since passed, though I still find myself looking up and getting a little teary-eyed once a day or so, but I have come to terms with her death. Death is easy — her life was harder. This was the women who fought colon cancer for years, had an eye disease that made her all but 100% blind, and her hearing was bad from birth. She was in a lot of pain, and it’s comforting to know that she doesn’t have to hurt anymore. We buried her next to her parents, next to the open site where Buddy will join her whenever fate or God decides to let him go. It was a beautiful ceremony, with many flowers and adoring relatives, even some church members who didn’t know Becky, but came to support the family; one niece of Bec’s sung “In the Arms of An Angel” – by Sarah McLachlan. They listed me among the grandchildren, even though I was technically not blood-related, and that brought me to tears quicker than anything.  Good tears though, not the bad ones.

Closure. I guess that’s what I have. I won’t remember her as someone hooked up to all of those machines, or someone in great sickness — I can remember her as a sweet, caring grandmother who would do anything in her power to make someone smile, and who loved all of her family very much. Wow, how hard that was to type. The bare truth.

Now I’m moving on with my life, just presented my Senior Project last night thanks to wonderful help from my friends and… others. (: I wasn’t nervous going into the presentation room, but once I was around all my friends and saw how nervous they were, a knot in my stomach formed and I started thinking “should I be reacting that way?” But the only place my nerves showed was in my voice at the very beginning, and I slipped in some humor so that I could lighten up a bit. The judges actually helped me by asking good questions at the end, and my principal, Dr. Fraker, helped as well. Out in the hallway before I had to present, she said this: “Remember, every person in there is rooting for you to do a good job. They’re not out to hurt you, so you should relax and be proud of what you have accomplished. This is just the final stage.” I thought about that during my speech, and I barely had to look at my notecards, if only to keep myself on track. The fact that I knew two of the other students I was in a room with helped a little too, even if I didn’t know them well.

So with that stresser done and over with, all I have left now is to get accepted in to college. I know some might not believe me, but there is a real chance that I might not get accepted anywhere but a junior college or something small nearby. I know that I can’t get into anywhere out of state, but I have to give a few like KSU, Valdosta,  and Georgia State a try. Who knows? I might get lucky, or I might get a really trustful Dean who will ignore my 3.0 GPA and focus on my interview, or the way I can conduct myself. Or my spotless disciplinary record. Or the commitment I have put into my journalism (yearbook) class three of my four years. My AP and Honors classes should be taken into account too.

(: I am not extremely worried right now, but I want to go to college. It’s never really been an option; it’s always been something I have to do so that I don’t disappoint myself or my family.

My best friend Katrina and I are planning a trip to Wisconsin. Want me to be honest? We’re going to see a boy. Her boy. I won’t call him her boyfriend because, well, they’re complicated, and I completely understand that. He doesn’t want to rush into anything because of the distance and the fact that they’ve never had much communication offline. Or …any, actually. Never exchanged phone numbers, although she’s offered. And there is a pretty significant age difference — 10 years. You wouldn’t know it by seeing him though. I’ve seen him on webcam, and he is just her type – – perfect for her, really, in intelligence (he’s a scientist-in-training, on his 8th year of college), confidence, and wit. He earns everything he gets, and she loves that. She thinks I don’t understand, but I do.

I am going with her for 1) moral support, 2) so that she’ll have someone with her up there besides just him, and because 3) I have always wanted to visit the north. It’s a 16 hour drive, gonna cost me a little under $1,000, probably, but it’s worth it if I can see her experience some genuine happiness. Plus I think it’ll bring us a little closer together – haha, if that’s possible – and it’ll give me a whiff of being free and on my own. One downside it that I’ll probably have to lie to my parents about our motive, and who we’re traveling with (no one, but they can’t know that). We want to go in July, and I will have my license by then, but I will not be 18. Legally my parents will still have control over me, despite my being graduated from college. But I think if I word it just right and leave out a few details, they will happily let me go. It’s mainly just my mom. She’s not ready for me to grow up yet…

I think I have to go now, wordpress, but I will make posting a common thing again. I have my spark back (:  And I am determined to keep it.




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