Confused.

Okay.
The school year is over, and it’s now time for us teenagers to start our full-time jobs (if we hadn’t already), get motivated, and for us graduates to prepare for college in the Fall. I feel illy unprepared for the latter — I have sent out applications, but I’m not 100% sure that I’ve met all the requirements on the main Uni I want to be accepted into.

I’m scheduled to work tomorrow, wordpress, but as for the time  I have no clue. So I have to wake up at 4am and call my manager, just in case they need me at 5am. This is going to really suck if they need me at 6 or 7am, because that gives me just enough time to fall back asleep, and wake up all over again. But that’s what I get for not calling the past three days and checking the schedule ahead of time. *shrug* The past can’t be changed.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated topic, I wanted to share a quote with you guys from a book I just finished:

The sorrowful spirit finds relaxation in solitude. It abhors people, as a wounded deer
 deserts the herd and lives in a cave until it is healed or dead.

I know it’s a little strange towards the end. The author is Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese man from the 1950s, and he’s brilliant when it comes to imagery and loves loves loves metaphors and similes. The ‘deer’ is just an example.  The book is “The Broken Wings”

I adored this quote because it explains a little bit about me, a sorrowful spirit. I am naturally sorrowful, though I can still be happy and plenty of other adjectives at times, but I do abhor people and relax into the solitude of my room, or the woods. I always have.

Just thought it was neat how fitting this quote was for me.

Very quick note.

That’s no longer killing me.

I think a friendship there, with the ex, is possible.  

🙂

My mood is content.

What’s killing me.

Have you ever cared about someone enough to support them when they leave you?

Well I never have. Never had. My last relationship was really my first relationship — he opened my mind up to a whole new way; he helped me grow up, in 6 months time I aged in a fast, but healthy way into a young woman with growing confidence, and I wouldn’t give that up for the world. But there was a price. A broken heart.

I want to tell him that it wasn’t his to break. I never gave it to him, so why do I still feel as bad as the day he abandoned me whenever his name is mentioned? God, he didn’t fit in with my family, with my friends, or my everyday life — but I liked him. I liked him alot. Turns out: more than he ever liked me.

He uses that fucking school excuse like a crutch (“oh, college has taken hold of my life!” “I have my priorities.”) You know what? That’s BULLSHIT.

Because he started dating her at the end of his school year, 2nd semester, right after he says he doesn’t have any time for me. & the jealous little girl inside me wants to know what she has that kept him so intrigued, and made him love her so much, while he could be so cold with me. In the beginning, it was so good —  and I told him things I haven’t repeated to a soul. There was laughter, excitement, even a little spice one or two times, and I know that a part of him wanted soemthing to work. But then he prioritizes, and I was left in the dark.

No matter how happy I am now, the emptiness left from those unanswered questions still gnaw at me. My own baggage and insecurities have been stacking up since then.

One phone call was what killed me.

That’s what I regret listening to.

While on webcam, talking lightly like we were old friends, he got a call from his girlfriend. He thought he muted me from hearing, but I heard every gentle word he said to her. What broke my heart all over again, was how eerily similar his conversation with her was to the phone calls he used to have with me. He talks to her like he talked with me. Except this time, when he went to hang up after promising to call back, there was a small laugh and an “I love you.”

He’s happy and God forbid anything happen to ruin that happiness, and from what I hear she’s very sweet…
but a part of me, a giant green monster on my shoulder, is so confused as to why I didn’t deserve it. What’s wrong with me in his eyes, and then…  why was I so disposable?

I don’t want him back. I want answers.