I Am a donor.

I have started a blog called “I Am a donor”, and I feel better about this decision than I have about anything in a long time. I haven’t been the most charitable person in the past like I’ve wanted to be, and recent inspiration opened my eyes to just how much I could do, even as a teenager.

I have an appointment to donate blood to the American Red Cross on February 9th and it was so easy, I don’t know why I haven’t done it sooner. It took maybe ten minutes to sign up on giveblood.org, and then I just had to choose my appointment time and place which is RIGHT by my school.

I finally checked on the bone marrow thing, which I’ve been thinking about for a while now. I have to be 18 and I have to get my BMI down, but once I meet those requirements I will be fully eligable to have the minor surgery.

Now bone marrow donations are sort of a big deal, and I don’t recommend it for everybody psychologically. But for any of you that can, it really means something to help save the lives of others.

But I won’t get as deep into my thoughts and feelings about this on this blog. That I save for my other one. I would be more than happy for anybody who reads this to check out that site, and see if you would be interested in following any of the links under my “Contribute” category. No, I’m not asking for money or “donations” to me. There are links to other websites where you can volunteer your time, food, and clothing, or there are more medical links like hair clippings donations, blood, and marrow.


Lost in the Moment

Not much to touch on for this week.
I’m becoming aware and trying to get a hold on another problem of mine: not being so possessive over all the guys I have the slightest interest in. In my head, I have a list of all the boys I come in contact with that I don’t want any other girl talking to or flirting with. A few friends of mine and I have had arguments – actual fights! – because of this possessive nature of mine.

I am not delusional to the point where I think they are mine or that they could become mine anytime soon, but it doesn’t keep me from wanting the rest of the female population to ignore them. I SAY “Oh, I want you to be happy,” but really it means “I want you to be happy with me.” So that’s my New Years’ resolution: to dial it down a notch.

This year I’ve been attracted to a whole new batch of  boys. Sure, there’s still last year’s handsome asian that I fawn over, but personality has become a huge factor in the “like” “not like” determination. And I have way too many crushes.

Just in the classes I have there are five or six that I would consider dateable, more last semester than this semester. Almost all of them are seniors, but there are exceptions.

My friends Matt and Josh, new friends from my environmental science class, and I all experimented with electricity today (on a side note). Matt somehow found out that the little knob on the side of our teacher’s laptop would complete an electrical current if you touched it and metal simultaneously. It was actually pretty cool – gave a decent sized buzz – and I found it worked even better if you licked your fingers first. Haha, the times we have in science. Those two are amazing, sort of bad influences, as is Nicky who sits with us, but amazing all the same. I’m still pretty iffy on her.

If anyone reads this, which I seriously doubt it, you would notice that I changed my layout…again. And this one is very plain, and a little strange, but I like the simplicity. Yeah, the red highlighted links are a little weird, and so is all the bolding, but I can deal with it and so will you.

March will be a very exciting month for me: the Eclipse trailer should be out by then, the premiere of Robert Pattinson’s new film “Remember Me” is then, the release of the Twilight Saga: New Moon DVD is in March (the…15th? Not positive.), and there’s a few other similar events that I’m super excited about. And then in June: the TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE! && True Blood Season 3! Ohmijees.

I am passionate about few things: wolves, books, writing, scenery… so when I lock on to something (say Twilight, for example), I stick with it a long time.


This is the start of a new year, a new DECADE; 2010! We are SEN10RS! <=

And I’m excited and terrified, suprised and nervous, anxious, nostalgic, nauseous, thrilled, depressed, worried, lonely, compressed, and stressed all at once. There are so many conflicting and compiling emotions in me it’s hard to breathe sometimes, and at other times I feel like I am in control. Damn teenage emotions and hormones.

But overall, more than anything, I am really lonely.

How pathetic of me to say. I’m lonely. Some might say DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, get in shape, go find your perfect partner and stop pretending with everybody else! I just want to find someone who sees my overbearing flaws and is still proud of me for the good things I accomplish, and who cherishes my good qualities instead of my bad. Someone who’ll hug me and give me that sense of security, and kiss me hard enough to make my head spin and set my veins on fire. Not literally. I want that, because damnit, I think I deserve it. I’ve never had any sort of romance in my life, not for real. And I figure, eh, at 17 (!), it’s about that time. I don’t need a super-physical relationship, I just need someone there for me that I know I can talk to without judgement or digust. I’m tired of walking on eggshells and being careful with what I say. If I find someone I can talk to and not have to lie to to get his affection and to make him smile, maybe then I could feel love.

Sigh. I’m emotional too.

I passed!

Okay, that shouldn’t be such a big deal for most kids – then again, most kids are used to getting really good report cards.

I didn’t fail anything, but I did manage to get three C’s. 😦 I know, horrible achievement and blah, blah, blah. I’m a senior and I should have a B average and blah, blah, BLAH. I don’t. It’s over with. I’m not worried about it.

I have a feeling that the next six-eight months is going to be a severe wake-up call for my family. They have gone through the years of my life thinking of  me as the smartest girl in the family (roughly), the girl with the most potential to go on to college and bring in a great pay-check later on in life. And as much as I want to believe that too…I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen. If I do graduate in June, which I really think I can, I will have to go to a state college for the first two years, and hope that I can get my average up high enough to qualify for the popular State Scholarship  around here.

This Haiti stuff is really getting to me. They have so much to worry about that us here in southern America don’t. Right now they’re worrying whether or not they will receive their next meal, or a drink of water. My peers worry about not having gas money to go shopping, and whether or not their truck is dirty enough.

I’m planning on donating blood here in the next few weeks, maybe sooner. I think I’ll have to plan it all out, sign up and get the dates and then tell my mom. She’s all for love and kindness, but anything she thinks might “threaten” her daughter makes her all puffy and maternal. Nice timing, right?

I also want to donate bone marrow, as I’ve said in a previous post, but I must be 18 or have parental consent — and I know for a F.A.C.T. that when my mom gets all the information about how dangerous it is and how painful it’s supposed to be, really, really painful, the answer is going to be a big NEGATIVE. But I want to do it, because that kind of thing saves lives. It’s rare to have a matching bone marrow specimen, so the more donors they have, the more likely they are to find a match for an ailing person.

I’m researching, filling myself with knowledge so that maybe when she starts arguing, I’ll have facts to back up my reasoning.


Recovery, post #1.

On one hand, I’m glad no one reads this blog.
And on the other, I wish more people read it, so I could get more feedback on the shit I punch out into cyberspace.

I am recovering from a dramatic turn of events; it’s a mental recovery, and I don’t think it’ll last long at all.

As I sort of noted before, I’m not sure who reads this blog, so I am going to be careful about the lies I divulge here. One of which was so gargantuate (sp?) and complex that even I got caught up in it. I didn’t want it to be a lie, but a lie it was, and eventually I had to tell the truth.

JulieABee, as she’s known online, is the one person I told about this lying problem that actually tried to help me. And help she did: she got me to confess two of my darkest problems; the two Big Ones that I haven’t told another soul. Only she knows one  of them, while the other was told to my best friend – and that’s it.

When you keep something quiet, it easily becomes your dirty little secret. You don’t have to talk about it, so you don’t have to feel as guilty or ashamed of it, therefore you keep doing it. Anyone that hears that might utter a “duh!”, but when you are the one hiding something, it doesn’t seem so obvious.

My bad habit is gone. There’s some good news. I’m still smoking (completely unrelated) whenever I get nervous and can get my hands on some. The last time I smoked, and it was just one, was at the Viewing (day b4 funeral) of the man who’s been my non-related grandfather for the past 7-10 years. The time before that, it was two I lifted off a friend of mine. I am yet to feel any “craving” for them, or anything like that. Guess you have to smoke alot more before any sort of addiction grows. I just smoke because it gives me something to occupy my hands with while I sort out the thoughts in my head. “D.A.R.E.” program be damned. They never told us how fucking hard it would be to be a teenager. They just said stay away from the baaaaaad cigs.

I’m gonna go off a few Formspring questions, http://formspring.me/WolfyJ, browse through twitter, http://twitter.com/wolfylavallie, and finish a book I’ve been reading “Tempted”, by P.C. Cast, part of her and her sister’s House of Night series. WICKED good. 🙂