An Ode to a Peach

 

The pleasure lies no on its layered surface, not on the smooth, wrinkled face, but beneath.

Read between the colors of bright red, corals of pink and light. Escape through its mantle and saturate yourself with the glistening red, ruby feeling. Bursting texture. Hope of summer with every smell.

Feel the weight of it in your palm.

As warm as blushed skin set aflame, and as delicate too, take care not to bruise or treat it badly. Good southern gentleman, take care. Surrending its supple flavour to you with every taste, its aroma through each inhale. Exhale. It is precious.

Take and catch your breath slowly, so as not to startle her, but hold steadfast, your lips enamored to do their bidden work.

Now bite.

rawr.
It’s me again! : ) I’m back to my writing, inspired by a Fanfiction, no less, to start keeping a journal. If I want to write, to draw, compose, whatever (hell, I can doodle, it’s mine), I will. Sometimes I’ll share the things out of there, like this little story/poem/ode, and other times I won’t. It’s very private very…personal.

WordPress, my life is about to get very, very hectic. I can feel it — the preverbial STORM on the horizon, brewing and churning, and within its clutches: lightning! thunder! rekindling? Oh, but there’s a chance.

I know that I still talk in circles, but that is necessary these days more than ever, so it simply can’t be helped.

I will be working until this Sunday, then I have three days off, but if you think that means I’ll have more of a chance to post, say, here, you are very mistaken. My mother has taken it upon herself to keep constant tabs on me next week, the week of my eighteenth birthday. Now I’ve promised her the day, but the week? The way we fight and argue, I’m doubting that’ll turn out very good for either one of us. And there is a strong chance of my ex-love-interest visiting around the mid-week, so things are bound to get interesting with him meeting the family for the first time. My current love-interest, aw hell, my current love,  🙂 was trusted to meet the folks after weeks, whereas I’ve known David for over a year now and he’s only getting the chance to meet mom this week. Goes to show the difference between them I guess. I’m not so sure this introduction will go as smoothly as the last, but I can only cross my fingers and toes and pray that there is no fallout concerning the people I care about.

I have just come in from looking at the crescent red (orangish, I guess) moon, the closest-planet-to-us-right-now Mars, and from watching the meteor shower from Comet P-whathitzface passing too close to the Earth. I used the ancient telescope given to me by a creepy teenage family friend, and studied for about a half hour until the mosquitoes drove me under cover.

Peach had a photoshoot for this poetic addition. So here are some of the outtakes:

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Someone who needs clarification.

If you enjoy an experience with someone a little too soon, that doesn’t make it wrong, but does it count as a mistake? Even if you don’t regret anything that happened, do you still consider it “moving too fast”?

I think I need to take a step back and assess my own feelings, first off. I have so much baggage that I will carry into any relationship in the future, and that baggage (example: my abandonment issues, my “slightly” protective nature) needs to be categorized and filed in the correct places before I move on. My feelings for my ex weren’t even solidifed, the good or the bad feelings, before these new ones popped up…

You see, if I am left alone with my thoughts, my mind naturally zeroes in on the thing that has been bothering me the most that day. This usually happens when I’m lying in bed wanting to go to sleep. Sucks because then I start tearing up before sleep, and it’s then impossible to go to sleep. My friends were here to distract me and cuddle me last night, so I wasn’t really alone to overanalyze everything.

But now that I layed here in my bed thinking about the really great and sometimes intense things that happened the other night, I get this weird feeling that I have to be careful. I don’t want to be careful: I want to live and truly trust someone with my happiness. But once again I’m struck with that need to be SO cautious with where I place my heart. If I seriously give up my passion to someone, completely — my virtue even? That is a big. deal. To me and to a lot of people in my life.

So tonight I’m going to turn on the TV, distract my ears and hopefully my thoughts, and then tomorrow when I’m of sound mind and clear eyes, I will give myself a reality check. How serious I plan on getting how fast, and just how mature I want/need to act in this situation.

Some might tell me: you sound like such a girl. That is probably because I am one, and despite all the shit I’ve tried to throw at my emotions to bog them down, they will always come crawling back into my conscious and either praise me or tsk-‘tsk’ at me.

I do know one thing. With you I feel more delicate and cared for. For a soft moment there, an intense but insanely sweet night, I felt safe. I even felt a little hope.  & everything in me is terrified — more than anyone can imagine — that I’m being used. I don’t want to feel that, but after a little serious thought my mind dabbled in that conclusion.

Some horrible philosopher somewhere down the line of ages said: Happiness is fleeting. What a horrible concept, and one my subconscious seems to have adopted as the motto to chant at me. But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to hold as tight as I can to that happiness.

🙂 Goodnight wordpress.

.Yvrut yspoT

As I get a moment of privacy, I settle down with my laptop and Diet Coke (no reg. in the fridge) and start on what is probably going to be a very short post.

Through the wonderful outlet that is the internet, and the aging site that is MySpace, I met someone really close to my area who not only has wicked music taste, but who too possesses one of the kindest personalities I’ve known. The term “topsy turvy” refers to a situation  that is completely turned on its head without necessarily being bad.

The past week of my life, folks, has been a strange, wonderful, topsy-turvyfied mix of days, where thought-to-be-loves faded to black, and a phoenix rose from ashes. I can’t exactly remember all the twists and turns that led me to this point, but I am grateful to everyone.

The words “i love you” mean more to me than they do to most girls — most teenagers for that matter — because I don’t see them through the eyes of a teenager. If I say them, I mean them, and I’ve only said them twice now in my life. For this to happen, my trust in that person must be absolute, and my fears about them minor at best. I have had two guys practically prance right out of my life now, and I’m not known for my long list  of successful relationships, so I can’t guarantee you that I’m going to be any good the third time around. Not that I’m …defining anything. Reference my “coward” sentences a few posts back 😉

So, wordpress, I have a …date this weekend.  It’s my first one in longer than I can remember because no one like this has asked me before. You know how they talk about those people or friends that are just made for you? Ha, I guess a girl can dream.

In my head I always sound way too cheesy, but oh wel.

Confused.

Okay.
The school year is over, and it’s now time for us teenagers to start our full-time jobs (if we hadn’t already), get motivated, and for us graduates to prepare for college in the Fall. I feel illy unprepared for the latter — I have sent out applications, but I’m not 100% sure that I’ve met all the requirements on the main Uni I want to be accepted into.

I’m scheduled to work tomorrow, wordpress, but as for the time  I have no clue. So I have to wake up at 4am and call my manager, just in case they need me at 5am. This is going to really suck if they need me at 6 or 7am, because that gives me just enough time to fall back asleep, and wake up all over again. But that’s what I get for not calling the past three days and checking the schedule ahead of time. *shrug* The past can’t be changed.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated topic, I wanted to share a quote with you guys from a book I just finished:

The sorrowful spirit finds relaxation in solitude. It abhors people, as a wounded deer
 deserts the herd and lives in a cave until it is healed or dead.

I know it’s a little strange towards the end. The author is Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese man from the 1950s, and he’s brilliant when it comes to imagery and loves loves loves metaphors and similes. The ‘deer’ is just an example.  The book is “The Broken Wings”

I adored this quote because it explains a little bit about me, a sorrowful spirit. I am naturally sorrowful, though I can still be happy and plenty of other adjectives at times, but I do abhor people and relax into the solitude of my room, or the woods. I always have.

Just thought it was neat how fitting this quote was for me.

What’s killing me.

Have you ever cared about someone enough to support them when they leave you?

Well I never have. Never had. My last relationship was really my first relationship — he opened my mind up to a whole new way; he helped me grow up, in 6 months time I aged in a fast, but healthy way into a young woman with growing confidence, and I wouldn’t give that up for the world. But there was a price. A broken heart.

I want to tell him that it wasn’t his to break. I never gave it to him, so why do I still feel as bad as the day he abandoned me whenever his name is mentioned? God, he didn’t fit in with my family, with my friends, or my everyday life — but I liked him. I liked him alot. Turns out: more than he ever liked me.

He uses that fucking school excuse like a crutch (“oh, college has taken hold of my life!” “I have my priorities.”) You know what? That’s BULLSHIT.

Because he started dating her at the end of his school year, 2nd semester, right after he says he doesn’t have any time for me. & the jealous little girl inside me wants to know what she has that kept him so intrigued, and made him love her so much, while he could be so cold with me. In the beginning, it was so good —  and I told him things I haven’t repeated to a soul. There was laughter, excitement, even a little spice one or two times, and I know that a part of him wanted soemthing to work. But then he prioritizes, and I was left in the dark.

No matter how happy I am now, the emptiness left from those unanswered questions still gnaw at me. My own baggage and insecurities have been stacking up since then.

One phone call was what killed me.

That’s what I regret listening to.

While on webcam, talking lightly like we were old friends, he got a call from his girlfriend. He thought he muted me from hearing, but I heard every gentle word he said to her. What broke my heart all over again, was how eerily similar his conversation with her was to the phone calls he used to have with me. He talks to her like he talked with me. Except this time, when he went to hang up after promising to call back, there was a small laugh and an “I love you.”

He’s happy and God forbid anything happen to ruin that happiness, and from what I hear she’s very sweet…
but a part of me, a giant green monster on my shoulder, is so confused as to why I didn’t deserve it. What’s wrong with me in his eyes, and then…  why was I so disposable?

I don’t want him back. I want answers.

Me vs. the Summer

Round One.

Some things you should know about me, I like to walk barefoot in the sunshine, I like to run through the woods ’till my heart hurts, it’s pounding so fast; I want to spend every day outside, under bright blue skies, with a breeze and a chorus of mockingbirds ringing in my ears. We have so many around here — if you know where to look.

I love the smell of lavendar and fresh honeysuckles blooming on each side of the Georgian road. My senses pick up on things like this and I’m transformed back into a little girl in my parents’ front yard. Back when my parents were still together. Back when my sisters were involved in my life, and graduating high school seemed forever away. I’ve changed a lot since then, — hell, I have changed a lot since last year (:

In fact, there’s apparently a change going on in me right now that crept up on me. I’ve had friends ask me what was different, what had changed: I tell them the truth, because I can’t deny it and, of course, I don’t want to.

My ex-“boyfriend”, David, who after only talking to me for 10 minutes, asked do you love him?
Scared the hell out of me.
But a part of me, the specific part that keeps him in my mind half the day, has reserved a lot of feelings for him. I can keep them all to myself, well myself and you, wordpress, until he is physically here and I can see how he responds. But love? Me?!

I’m not saying I’m going off and marrying him tomorrow — Lord knows I’m not ready to do that with anyone, any time in the near future. But the possessive feeling is there, the lust is there, and more importantly, the care is there. I care for someone more than I can let on, because he’s a guy, and because he doesn’t want this to move any faster than it already is. Once again, Miss Rational inside me must agree with him. I am the one who has had a long distance relationship before, but I am also the one that was hurt by it. So I don’t think he understands that I am “reluctant” too. But somehow, Miss Rational has been bullied by Mrs. I Don’t Care. (:

Don’t you love my analogies? *cue cheeky grin*

So, anyway. the Summer. It’s coming fast, and I want it to run back to wherever the hell it came from. Swimming and playing outdoors (yes, I’m in my late-teens, and yes, I still play outside) is nice ‘n all, but I need a cool sanctuary to relax in with my jackets and long sleeves. Tank tops and bathing suits are not my fashion.

Reasonably, Mother Nature is on my side with the weather. She has been fighting it here in the South too. The past few weeks we would have three days of violent, scorching heat, and then two where it either rained, or the wind blew so hard you couldn’t keep anything tied down. I love those days the most. Wind is power; a power is awesome to watch act itself out.

I want to start writing poetry again, but I need my inspiration. If I were to write right now, my main topics would include my post-graduation Fears, my Longing, or my Frustration with my music. So. I’m going to put it off for a little bit, and if I can actually come up with something decent on Love or even Lust, I’ll let you guys know (:

Questions, comments, concerns?
Here’s my weekly song quote, and also what I’m #nowplaying. This quote has a lot of power, but I think it’s in the way his voice ends it.

“Can you feel my trigger hand
moving further down your back
When you hide,
hide inside that body,
but just remember that when I touch you
the more you shake,
the more you give away…”

( Evans Blue )

Multi-tasker in the rain…

Alright, I’ve wanted to make a post for the longest time, but I hadn’t the chance or the time to sit down and focus on my blogging.

I just got off work a couple of hours ago, & I must say that this was a pretty bad day as far as workdays go. It started off with my manager hovering on my ass 100% of the time, changing my working position multiple times, and giving conflicting directions on what I should be doing. Yes, the job itself can be difficult at times, but it is not that hard. I do not need constant supervision of a woman who yells like a banshee, and doesn’t possess a lick of grammar. That specific manager is really good at her job, but her people skills and the way that she treats her employees could definitely use some work.

Saturday and Sunday I work, both at 7 am, so that is both good for my paycheck, and easy on my sleep schedule. Today I had to get up at 4am to be at work at 5, and I was so tired by 10am I was ready to drop. Yes, it was my fault that I stayed up a little later than I’d planned to, but…I’m not regretting it. I was on webcam with Rapha and I get so caught up in him sometimes, so distracted by the way he talks to me and such, that I don’t notice or mind the time. Who cares.

WordPress, wherever you’re located, I hope the weather there is better than it is here. The exact opposite of what I like in good weather has been occuring: hot, humid, and sometimes rainy downpours that pop up in any instant, and make for a very muggy afternoon. That’s what happened today. All three. Georgia is usually a good place to live because it has a stable environment, less busy cities, while still maintaining an urban atmosphere.

Oh, something I never mentioned to you all — I went camping for Spring Break, in a local lake, with my family and closest friend, Katrina, who I have mentioned before. We left yesterday afternoon due to financial and energy constraints, so for the rest of the break, besides the times I have to work, I have nothing to do. Which, if you think about it, isn’t that much time. Like…tonight, tomorrow day & night, and then the weekend evenings.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll go see a movie or something, if I can get the money from mom.

My self-esteem is pretty much nilch, which I have tried to explain to some people (person), but lately I’ve felt a little…better about myself. Having someone close to you that treats you exceptionally well, and seems to see you in a positive light will make anyone perk up, but I have the luck of having this someone be extremely attractive, both in mind and spirit. Lucky me (:

I hate that I can’t post at school anymore, which was what I used to use to update so often, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’m really anxious for this year to finish out, and a brand new one to start…

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