Addicted.

I am too petrified to feel hopeful, but too blissed to be pessimistic.

Someone who needs clarification.

If you enjoy an experience with someone a little too soon, that doesn’t make it wrong, but does it count as a mistake? Even if you don’t regret anything that happened, do you still consider it “moving too fast”?

I think I need to take a step back and assess my own feelings, first off. I have so much baggage that I will carry into any relationship in the future, and that baggage (example: my abandonment issues, my “slightly” protective nature) needs to be categorized and filed in the correct places before I move on. My feelings for my ex weren’t even solidifed, the good or the bad feelings, before these new ones popped up…

You see, if I am left alone with my thoughts, my mind naturally zeroes in on the thing that has been bothering me the most that day. This usually happens when I’m lying in bed wanting to go to sleep. Sucks because then I start tearing up before sleep, and it’s then impossible to go to sleep. My friends were here to distract me and cuddle me last night, so I wasn’t really alone to overanalyze everything.

But now that I layed here in my bed thinking about the really great and sometimes intense things that happened the other night, I get this weird feeling that I have to be careful. I don’t want to be careful: I want to live and truly trust someone with my happiness. But once again I’m struck with that need to be SO cautious with where I place my heart. If I seriously give up my passion to someone, completely — my virtue even? That is a big. deal. To me and to a lot of people in my life.

So tonight I’m going to turn on the TV, distract my ears and hopefully my thoughts, and then tomorrow when I’m of sound mind and clear eyes, I will give myself a reality check. How serious I plan on getting how fast, and just how mature I want/need to act in this situation.

Some might tell me: you sound like such a girl. That is probably because I am one, and despite all the shit I’ve tried to throw at my emotions to bog them down, they will always come crawling back into my conscious and either praise me or tsk-‘tsk’ at me.

I do know one thing. With you I feel more delicate and cared for. For a soft moment there, an intense but insanely sweet night, I felt safe. I even felt a little hope.¬† & everything in me is terrified — more than anyone can imagine — that I’m being used. I don’t want to feel that, but after a little serious thought my mind dabbled in that conclusion.

Some horrible philosopher somewhere down the line of ages said: Happiness is fleeting. What a horrible concept, and one my subconscious seems to have adopted as the motto to chant at me. But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to hold as tight as I can to that happiness.

ūüôā Goodnight wordpress.

.Yvrut yspoT

As I get a moment of privacy, I settle down with my laptop and Diet Coke (no reg. in the fridge) and start on what is probably going to be a very short post.

Through the wonderful outlet that is the internet, and the aging site that is MySpace, I met someone really close to my area who not only has wicked music taste, but who too possesses one of the kindest personalities I’ve known.¬†The term “topsy turvy” refers to a situation¬† that is completely turned on its head without necessarily being bad.

The past week of my life, folks, has been a strange, wonderful, topsy-turvyfied mix of days, where thought-to-be-loves faded to black, and a phoenix rose from ashes. I can’t exactly remember all the twists and turns that led me to this point, but I am grateful to everyone.

The words “i love you” mean more to me than they do to most girls — most teenagers for that matter — because I don’t see them through the eyes of a teenager. If I say them, I mean them, and I’ve only said them twice now in my life. For this to happen, my trust in that person must be absolute, and my fears about them minor at best. I have had two guys practically prance right out of my life now, and I’m not known for my long list¬† of successful relationships, so I can’t guarantee you that I’m going to be any good the third time around. Not that I’m …defining anything. Reference my “coward” sentences a few posts back ūüėČ

So, wordpress, I have a …date this weekend.¬† It’s my first one in longer than I can remember because no one like this has asked me before. You know how they talk about those people or friends that are just made for you? Ha, I guess a girl can dream.

In my head I always sound way too cheesy, but oh wel.

Multi-tasker in the rain…

Alright, I’ve wanted to make a post for the longest time, but I hadn’t the chance or the time to sit down and focus on my blogging.

I just got off work a couple of hours ago, & I must say that this was a pretty bad day as far as workdays go. It started off with my manager hovering¬†on my ass 100% of the time, changing my¬†working position multiple times, and¬†giving¬†conflicting¬†directions on what I¬†should be doing.¬†Yes,¬†the job itself can be difficult at times, but it is¬†not that hard. I do not need constant supervision of a woman who yells like a banshee, and doesn’t possess a lick of grammar. That specific manager is really good at her job, but her people skills and the way that she treats her employees could definitely use some work.

Saturday and Sunday I work, both at 7 am, so that is both good for my paycheck, and easy on my sleep schedule. Today I had to get up at 4am to be at work at 5, and I was so tired by 10am I was ready to drop. Yes, it was my fault that I stayed up a little later than I’d planned to, but…I’m not regretting it. I was on webcam with Rapha and¬†I get so caught up in him sometimes, so distracted by the way he talks to me and such, that I don’t notice or mind the time. Who cares.

WordPress, wherever you’re located, I hope the weather there is better than it is here. The exact opposite of what I like in good weather has been occuring: hot, humid, and sometimes¬†rainy downpours that pop up in any instant, and make for a very muggy afternoon. That’s what happened today. All three. Georgia is usually a good place to live because it has a stable environment, less busy cities, while still maintaining an urban atmosphere.

Oh, something I never mentioned to you all — I went camping for Spring Break, in a local lake, with my family and closest friend, Katrina, who I have mentioned before. We left yesterday afternoon due to financial and energy constraints, so for the rest of the break, besides the times I have to work, I have nothing to do. Which, if you think about it, isn’t that much time. Like…tonight, tomorrow day & night, and then the weekend evenings.¬† Maybe tomorrow I’ll go see a movie or something, if I can get the money from mom.

My self-esteem is pretty much nilch, which I have tried to explain to some people (person), but lately I’ve felt a little…better about myself. Having someone close to you that treats you exceptionally well, and seems to see you in a positive light will make anyone perk up, but I have the luck of having this someone be extremely attractive, both in mind and spirit. Lucky me (:

I hate that I can’t post at school anymore, which was what I used to use to update so often, but there’s nothing I¬†can do about it.

I’m really anxious for this year to finish out, and a brand new one to start…

Mo-u-sic.

This will be a short one; I’m still at home, and I haven’t done a thing about getting dressed for school. But, my school’s stupid-blocking-system I mentioned a few posts ago has discovered wordpress, I think, and will not allow you to log in to wordpress…so I haven’t been able to post there in days.

A good friend of mine has introduced me to a new band, The Veronicas — which yes, I know, are not technically new, but they’re new to me. I am usually biased toward lead female singers, because of their tendencies to whine the lyrics, but all of¬† t.V.’s songs aren’t like that, so I can appreciate them.

I played my piano for that international friend of mine for the first time, and I was nervous as hell, but he didn’t laugh at me…so we’re good (: I am self-conscious about my playing, because I don’t even begin to compare to some other pianists I know, or know of.

Anyway, school beckons.
I may come back and post on here after school.

Work tomorrow. Bah.
(: Goodmorning, wordpress.

Papagaio (:

I still don’t know WHY anyone reads this blog — and trust me, there aren’t many of you out¬† there — but to those of you who do, I feel kind of grateful. And a little embarassed that you must hear the¬†majority¬†my mispelled venting. I try not to bitch and complain in my everyday life, but on wordpress? Yeeeeah buddy, do I complain. & that’s okay.

I have a — well, now two — friend(s) from a major city in Brazil. I’ve known him for …months now, I think, but I’m just blogging about him now because he hadn’t started impacting my life very much. But thanks to my mother’s generousity and patience with me, the new computer that I bought myself (using her credit) has the program Skype on it — a brilliant, usually wonderful technological program. It allows you to “call” or “video call” any computer around the world, for free. You can also call telephones, but that costs $$$. Not much, but it’s still money.

& since I discovered the wonder that is Skype, I have been talking to Raph. That’s his nickname, Raph. Her name, who I only met tonight, is Bianca; & she’s a real sweetheart.

Raph is this dark-haired, funny, intelligent college boy that I met through Twitter’s “#nowplaying” trending topic, and I love talking to him. As I’ve told you before, wordpress, I have a …thing for accents. And this man’s accent? Oi. Combine that with the three different languages he knows other than English, and we have an Amanda-puddle. (: One of my friends has talked to him since, on Skype audio three-way, but no one has videochatted him except me.

Now that is a strange experience. You can see a little window of yourself, but you mainly see that person; and depending on the quality of their computer and how loudly they’re speaking, you can sometimes hear them crystal clear or not at all. Most of the time I can hear him perfectly, but sometimes I just guess at what he’s saying.

Portuguese is a complicated, albeit beautiful language — & it’s his natural tongue. Slowly but surely, he is trying to teach me phrases in Portuguese, like hello/goodbye, goodmorning/goodnight, mother, father, college, parrot (ahaha), etc.

I don’t see what he gets out of the conversation by talking to me, but for some reason he hasn’t run away screaming yet, and he’s seen me without makeup. Haha. (:¬† I adore this kid, as a great buddy, though the attraction factor is indefinitely there. It just won’t go away, and I’m not so sure I want it to. I mean, c’mon, are you going to pass up a hot Irish-Braziliah 19 year-old college student who can roll his R’s & who laughs like an adorable five year old? Nope. :] I’ll take his friendship if that’s all I can have.

Bianca is a super sweet friend of his that I talked to briefly today. She is slightly older than him, 20, and her English-speaking is a little less advanced than his, but not by too much. The three of us talking out loud in that chat room this evening was one fun experience.

He’s talking about visiting the U.S. sometime next year, though I’m not sure exactly when. He’ll stay in New York, New York for the first week or so, and then come down to Atlanta for…something like 11 days. My goal is to either have or be working towards my own apartment by then, and I’ve offered both him and Bianca a place to stay once they get to Atlanta. Stranger-danger be damned, these two are just people you trust right off the back, because of how honest and kind they really are. It’s like “no shit?”, put in layman’s terms.

I have to go to bed now, it’s 1am& I get up in 6 hours for school (early >.<), but I wanted to let wordpress know about a little important subject in my life right now. Who knows — might get more, might get less –, but I’m enjoying it for now. Viva la vida.

Remember Me.

*sniffle*

Who else saw the movie? Remember Me, starting Emile de Ravin & Robert Pattinson?

It was breathtaking, and exceeded all my expectations by a mile. One thing about this movie that also succeeded: Robert breaking out of his “vampire” role. Sure, he has acted in other movies like Harry Potter’s Goblet of Fire, and even stared in his own movie “Little Ashes”, but this movie was right in the mainstream, advertised everywhere, with a big company (Summit Ent.) backing it.

And he pulled it off like a champ ūüôā Kudos Rob, kudos.

I’ll admit, I am an Edward Cullen fan first and foremost, and I have tried with much of my power to keep my adoration for the character from influencing my interest in “Mr. Pattinson”.¬† I don’t believe the two worlds should mingle off-screen — I know a few people who wouldn’t agree to that, and that’s fine. But Robert was astounding in this movie; when I watched it I didn’t see “Edward” or even “Robert Pattinson”. I saw Tyler.¬† That shows how extensive his acting was, and how engrossed I got in the movie.

I won’t give any spoilers on this blog or anywhere else, but I will say that the unexpected ending just made the movie that more enjoyable as a whole. Okay, maybe not enjoyable, because of the emotional impact it tolls, but an ending is an ending, and we have to accept (as viewers, and fans of the movie) that the director and the writer of the script knew how the story had to come to a close. It fit everything together, a synopsis of all the characters’ worlds, and finally came to a powerful end.

Emile de Ravin was beautiful — stunning. Girl, you don’t get enough credit, sitting beside your hunky co-star (yep, I said hunky); because as an actress you ROCKED IT. I wish I could give all you guys a hug, the entire cast…but that’s a little personal, huh?

Adeiu, wordpress, I must go visit the neighbors puppies before bed, and get something in my stomach before that.

Goodnight ūüôā

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