MyMathCat.

Cat for catastrophe!

Apparently, I just received my first failing grade in college. It was a 57 on a chapter test, three points from a “D” which is unacceptable in itself — it was my worst subject: Math 1111.  The teacher didn’t give us adequate time to finish because she is a bit of an illterate-to-technology twit and the test was online; despite that, she is a sweetheart so you have to give her that. Still, I believe that even with another hour or two of time, my score would have still been quite low. Maybe not as low as it turned out to be, but somewhere in that margin.

I glance around the room now to the faces of my peers, and nearly every one wears a face of anxiety. Between the test we just took, and the impending homework assignments, each section of which includes nearly 50 questions and are five sections in total, we are all feeling hot little coals under our feet; I may be feeling it most of all. I am in college on a federal grant, and I have to keep up my grade point average if I want to keep my financial aid requirements, and stay in college.

Teacher is back. Gotta run. Later, wordpress!

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Someone who needs clarification.

If you enjoy an experience with someone a little too soon, that doesn’t make it wrong, but does it count as a mistake? Even if you don’t regret anything that happened, do you still consider it “moving too fast”?

I think I need to take a step back and assess my own feelings, first off. I have so much baggage that I will carry into any relationship in the future, and that baggage (example: my abandonment issues, my “slightly” protective nature) needs to be categorized and filed in the correct places before I move on. My feelings for my ex weren’t even solidifed, the good or the bad feelings, before these new ones popped up…

You see, if I am left alone with my thoughts, my mind naturally zeroes in on the thing that has been bothering me the most that day. This usually happens when I’m lying in bed wanting to go to sleep. Sucks because then I start tearing up before sleep, and it’s then impossible to go to sleep. My friends were here to distract me and cuddle me last night, so I wasn’t really alone to overanalyze everything.

But now that I layed here in my bed thinking about the really great and sometimes intense things that happened the other night, I get this weird feeling that I have to be careful. I don’t want to be careful: I want to live and truly trust someone with my happiness. But once again I’m struck with that need to be SO cautious with where I place my heart. If I seriously give up my passion to someone, completely — my virtue even? That is a big. deal. To me and to a lot of people in my life.

So tonight I’m going to turn on the TV, distract my ears and hopefully my thoughts, and then tomorrow when I’m of sound mind and clear eyes, I will give myself a reality check. How serious I plan on getting how fast, and just how mature I want/need to act in this situation.

Some might tell me: you sound like such a girl. That is probably because I am one, and despite all the shit I’ve tried to throw at my emotions to bog them down, they will always come crawling back into my conscious and either praise me or tsk-‘tsk’ at me.

I do know one thing. With you I feel more delicate and cared for. For a soft moment there, an intense but insanely sweet night, I felt safe. I even felt a little hope.  & everything in me is terrified — more than anyone can imagine — that I’m being used. I don’t want to feel that, but after a little serious thought my mind dabbled in that conclusion.

Some horrible philosopher somewhere down the line of ages said: Happiness is fleeting. What a horrible concept, and one my subconscious seems to have adopted as the motto to chant at me. But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to hold as tight as I can to that happiness.

🙂 Goodnight wordpress.

Confused.

Okay.
The school year is over, and it’s now time for us teenagers to start our full-time jobs (if we hadn’t already), get motivated, and for us graduates to prepare for college in the Fall. I feel illy unprepared for the latter — I have sent out applications, but I’m not 100% sure that I’ve met all the requirements on the main Uni I want to be accepted into.

I’m scheduled to work tomorrow, wordpress, but as for the time  I have no clue. So I have to wake up at 4am and call my manager, just in case they need me at 5am. This is going to really suck if they need me at 6 or 7am, because that gives me just enough time to fall back asleep, and wake up all over again. But that’s what I get for not calling the past three days and checking the schedule ahead of time. *shrug* The past can’t be changed.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated topic, I wanted to share a quote with you guys from a book I just finished:

The sorrowful spirit finds relaxation in solitude. It abhors people, as a wounded deer
 deserts the herd and lives in a cave until it is healed or dead.

I know it’s a little strange towards the end. The author is Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese man from the 1950s, and he’s brilliant when it comes to imagery and loves loves loves metaphors and similes. The ‘deer’ is just an example.  The book is “The Broken Wings”

I adored this quote because it explains a little bit about me, a sorrowful spirit. I am naturally sorrowful, though I can still be happy and plenty of other adjectives at times, but I do abhor people and relax into the solitude of my room, or the woods. I always have.

Just thought it was neat how fitting this quote was for me.

What’s killing me.

Have you ever cared about someone enough to support them when they leave you?

Well I never have. Never had. My last relationship was really my first relationship — he opened my mind up to a whole new way; he helped me grow up, in 6 months time I aged in a fast, but healthy way into a young woman with growing confidence, and I wouldn’t give that up for the world. But there was a price. A broken heart.

I want to tell him that it wasn’t his to break. I never gave it to him, so why do I still feel as bad as the day he abandoned me whenever his name is mentioned? God, he didn’t fit in with my family, with my friends, or my everyday life — but I liked him. I liked him alot. Turns out: more than he ever liked me.

He uses that fucking school excuse like a crutch (“oh, college has taken hold of my life!” “I have my priorities.”) You know what? That’s BULLSHIT.

Because he started dating her at the end of his school year, 2nd semester, right after he says he doesn’t have any time for me. & the jealous little girl inside me wants to know what she has that kept him so intrigued, and made him love her so much, while he could be so cold with me. In the beginning, it was so good —  and I told him things I haven’t repeated to a soul. There was laughter, excitement, even a little spice one or two times, and I know that a part of him wanted soemthing to work. But then he prioritizes, and I was left in the dark.

No matter how happy I am now, the emptiness left from those unanswered questions still gnaw at me. My own baggage and insecurities have been stacking up since then.

One phone call was what killed me.

That’s what I regret listening to.

While on webcam, talking lightly like we were old friends, he got a call from his girlfriend. He thought he muted me from hearing, but I heard every gentle word he said to her. What broke my heart all over again, was how eerily similar his conversation with her was to the phone calls he used to have with me. He talks to her like he talked with me. Except this time, when he went to hang up after promising to call back, there was a small laugh and an “I love you.”

He’s happy and God forbid anything happen to ruin that happiness, and from what I hear she’s very sweet…
but a part of me, a giant green monster on my shoulder, is so confused as to why I didn’t deserve it. What’s wrong with me in his eyes, and then…  why was I so disposable?

I don’t want him back. I want answers.

Rawr.

#nowplaying “Whispers in the Dark” – Skillet

With every status update, nearly every tweet, text, or message, I insert a hidden meaning. I love  and hate my little hidden messages — some people understand them, some REALLY don’t. That’s why I don’t like them: they can be subjective, and mean different things to different people. My words almost always have a double meaning, even here on wordpress! Whether it be hidden in the quotes I give you all, the titles to my posts, or even the “Tags” I attach to them. Yeah. I’m that complex =P

Okay

. . .*deep breath*

The worst thing about my last relationship was actually getting to a “boyfriend/girlfriend” stage. I’m a coward, naturally, and that filters into all my “relationships” whether they be with friends, family, or …my romantic interests. So I had to wait until he, my ex, said “You mean this much to me, yada yada…, I want you to be a constant in my life. Would you like that?”  Me: “Like a girlfriend?” Him: “Yeah, just like a girlfriend.”  Easy.

I NEED them (boys) to be the forward type, because I’m never going to be that. I might want it desperately, but I’ll keep my mouth shut, and if we both keep quiet, we could miss out on a really good relationship. I mean what if my future husband didn’t want to be the first to speak up? No marriage. No possibility for me to find this unnatural love I seek. Damn; that would suck, right?

Well, that side of me’s come up again, and now I almost want to be brave.
Almost.

I feel like I’m walking on thin, thin ice, and any second I’m going to say something or do something that’s too jealous, annoying, or too unattractive (because we all know how low my self-esteem can run) and he’s going to run for the hills. Or that I’ll give something very very precious to me away, and it’ll mean nothing. WordPress, I’m sort of terrified.

Half of me these days stays terrified of making these mistakes, while the other half is completely calm. THAT side, the rational side, wants to be patient, and let things fall into place like they’re supposed to. I guess that’s the side that believes in fate — “Amanda,” its says, “if it was supposed to happen this way, good or bad, you’re going to have to accept that.” I should just let what happens happen, but geez that could take forever, right? Call me impatient. =/

I am laying it all out on the table here, I guess. Woops.
But part of you has to understand, this is still my outlet.

I want a relationship. And not just sex, or not just a wonderful connection. All of it. If I have to wait a year…
I guess I do.

Damn, damn, damn. I don’t want to be anxious, because he makes me feel the opposite of that.
*shifts*

So. Get out of this what you will.

(:

Goodnight.

Multi-tasker in the rain…

Alright, I’ve wanted to make a post for the longest time, but I hadn’t the chance or the time to sit down and focus on my blogging.

I just got off work a couple of hours ago, & I must say that this was a pretty bad day as far as workdays go. It started off with my manager hovering on my ass 100% of the time, changing my working position multiple times, and giving conflicting directions on what I should be doing. Yes, the job itself can be difficult at times, but it is not that hard. I do not need constant supervision of a woman who yells like a banshee, and doesn’t possess a lick of grammar. That specific manager is really good at her job, but her people skills and the way that she treats her employees could definitely use some work.

Saturday and Sunday I work, both at 7 am, so that is both good for my paycheck, and easy on my sleep schedule. Today I had to get up at 4am to be at work at 5, and I was so tired by 10am I was ready to drop. Yes, it was my fault that I stayed up a little later than I’d planned to, but…I’m not regretting it. I was on webcam with Rapha and I get so caught up in him sometimes, so distracted by the way he talks to me and such, that I don’t notice or mind the time. Who cares.

WordPress, wherever you’re located, I hope the weather there is better than it is here. The exact opposite of what I like in good weather has been occuring: hot, humid, and sometimes rainy downpours that pop up in any instant, and make for a very muggy afternoon. That’s what happened today. All three. Georgia is usually a good place to live because it has a stable environment, less busy cities, while still maintaining an urban atmosphere.

Oh, something I never mentioned to you all — I went camping for Spring Break, in a local lake, with my family and closest friend, Katrina, who I have mentioned before. We left yesterday afternoon due to financial and energy constraints, so for the rest of the break, besides the times I have to work, I have nothing to do. Which, if you think about it, isn’t that much time. Like…tonight, tomorrow day & night, and then the weekend evenings.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll go see a movie or something, if I can get the money from mom.

My self-esteem is pretty much nilch, which I have tried to explain to some people (person), but lately I’ve felt a little…better about myself. Having someone close to you that treats you exceptionally well, and seems to see you in a positive light will make anyone perk up, but I have the luck of having this someone be extremely attractive, both in mind and spirit. Lucky me (:

I hate that I can’t post at school anymore, which was what I used to use to update so often, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’m really anxious for this year to finish out, and a brand new one to start…

Remember Me.

*sniffle*

Who else saw the movie? Remember Me, starting Emile de Ravin & Robert Pattinson?

It was breathtaking, and exceeded all my expectations by a mile. One thing about this movie that also succeeded: Robert breaking out of his “vampire” role. Sure, he has acted in other movies like Harry Potter’s Goblet of Fire, and even stared in his own movie “Little Ashes”, but this movie was right in the mainstream, advertised everywhere, with a big company (Summit Ent.) backing it.

And he pulled it off like a champ 🙂 Kudos Rob, kudos.

I’ll admit, I am an Edward Cullen fan first and foremost, and I have tried with much of my power to keep my adoration for the character from influencing my interest in “Mr. Pattinson”.  I don’t believe the two worlds should mingle off-screen — I know a few people who wouldn’t agree to that, and that’s fine. But Robert was astounding in this movie; when I watched it I didn’t see “Edward” or even “Robert Pattinson”. I saw Tyler.  That shows how extensive his acting was, and how engrossed I got in the movie.

I won’t give any spoilers on this blog or anywhere else, but I will say that the unexpected ending just made the movie that more enjoyable as a whole. Okay, maybe not enjoyable, because of the emotional impact it tolls, but an ending is an ending, and we have to accept (as viewers, and fans of the movie) that the director and the writer of the script knew how the story had to come to a close. It fit everything together, a synopsis of all the characters’ worlds, and finally came to a powerful end.

Emile de Ravin was beautiful — stunning. Girl, you don’t get enough credit, sitting beside your hunky co-star (yep, I said hunky); because as an actress you ROCKED IT. I wish I could give all you guys a hug, the entire cast…but that’s a little personal, huh?

Adeiu, wordpress, I must go visit the neighbors puppies before bed, and get something in my stomach before that.

Goodnight 🙂

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