Addicted.

I am too petrified to feel hopeful, but too blissed to be pessimistic.

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Someone who needs clarification.

If you enjoy an experience with someone a little too soon, that doesn’t make it wrong, but does it count as a mistake? Even if you don’t regret anything that happened, do you still consider it “moving too fast”?

I think I need to take a step back and assess my own feelings, first off. I have so much baggage that I will carry into any relationship in the future, and that baggage (example: my abandonment issues, my “slightly” protective nature) needs to be categorized and filed in the correct places before I move on. My feelings for my ex weren’t even solidifed, the good or the bad feelings, before these new ones popped up…

You see, if I am left alone with my thoughts, my mind naturally zeroes in on the thing that has been bothering me the most that day. This usually happens when I’m lying in bed wanting to go to sleep. Sucks because then I start tearing up before sleep, and it’s then impossible to go to sleep. My friends were here to distract me and cuddle me last night, so I wasn’t really alone to overanalyze everything.

But now that I layed here in my bed thinking about the really great and sometimes intense things that happened the other night, I get this weird feeling that I have to be careful. I don’t want to be careful: I want to live and truly trust someone with my happiness. But once again I’m struck with that need to be SO cautious with where I place my heart. If I seriously give up my passion to someone, completely — my virtue even? That is a big. deal. To me and to a lot of people in my life.

So tonight I’m going to turn on the TV, distract my ears and hopefully my thoughts, and then tomorrow when I’m of sound mind and clear eyes, I will give myself a reality check. How serious I plan on getting how fast, and just how mature I want/need to act in this situation.

Some might tell me: you sound like such a girl. That is probably because I am one, and despite all the shit I’ve tried to throw at my emotions to bog them down, they will always come crawling back into my conscious and either praise me or tsk-‘tsk’ at me.

I do know one thing. With you I feel more delicate and cared for. For a soft moment there, an intense but insanely sweet night, I felt safe. I even felt a little hope.  & everything in me is terrified — more than anyone can imagine — that I’m being used. I don’t want to feel that, but after a little serious thought my mind dabbled in that conclusion.

Some horrible philosopher somewhere down the line of ages said: Happiness is fleeting. What a horrible concept, and one my subconscious seems to have adopted as the motto to chant at me. But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to hold as tight as I can to that happiness.

🙂 Goodnight wordpress.

Very quick note.

That’s no longer killing me.

I think a friendship there, with the ex, is possible.  

🙂

My mood is content.

Story One.

Love has been corrupted
in the limelight of modern age;
subtleness became overrated,
while scandolous women snag the best catch.

I am a subtle woman,
but a passionate one first.
A man,
a worldly man with wordly needs
and mischief in his eyes,
is to whom I am attentive.
Love means more now,
passion is more evident,
and my virtue is in more danger than ever.

I can’t seem to mind.
Caring for another person more than you care for yourself,
striving to please them,
secure them to your side,
is just a sideeffect of this feeling.

My past is riddled with holes,
where the fabric has worn thin and creatures,
malignant and indifferent,
have crashed their way through.
I am an open snare,
holding on to the only thing that can tear me apart.

So, it’s not a poem, but it’s a story. Maybe I’ll just write stories from now on ((:

Me vs. the Summer

Round One.

Some things you should know about me, I like to walk barefoot in the sunshine, I like to run through the woods ’till my heart hurts, it’s pounding so fast; I want to spend every day outside, under bright blue skies, with a breeze and a chorus of mockingbirds ringing in my ears. We have so many around here — if you know where to look.

I love the smell of lavendar and fresh honeysuckles blooming on each side of the Georgian road. My senses pick up on things like this and I’m transformed back into a little girl in my parents’ front yard. Back when my parents were still together. Back when my sisters were involved in my life, and graduating high school seemed forever away. I’ve changed a lot since then, — hell, I have changed a lot since last year (:

In fact, there’s apparently a change going on in me right now that crept up on me. I’ve had friends ask me what was different, what had changed: I tell them the truth, because I can’t deny it and, of course, I don’t want to.

My ex-“boyfriend”, David, who after only talking to me for 10 minutes, asked do you love him?
Scared the hell out of me.
But a part of me, the specific part that keeps him in my mind half the day, has reserved a lot of feelings for him. I can keep them all to myself, well myself and you, wordpress, until he is physically here and I can see how he responds. But love? Me?!

I’m not saying I’m going off and marrying him tomorrow — Lord knows I’m not ready to do that with anyone, any time in the near future. But the possessive feeling is there, the lust is there, and more importantly, the care is there. I care for someone more than I can let on, because he’s a guy, and because he doesn’t want this to move any faster than it already is. Once again, Miss Rational inside me must agree with him. I am the one who has had a long distance relationship before, but I am also the one that was hurt by it. So I don’t think he understands that I am “reluctant” too. But somehow, Miss Rational has been bullied by Mrs. I Don’t Care. (:

Don’t you love my analogies? *cue cheeky grin*

So, anyway. the Summer. It’s coming fast, and I want it to run back to wherever the hell it came from. Swimming and playing outdoors (yes, I’m in my late-teens, and yes, I still play outside) is nice ‘n all, but I need a cool sanctuary to relax in with my jackets and long sleeves. Tank tops and bathing suits are not my fashion.

Reasonably, Mother Nature is on my side with the weather. She has been fighting it here in the South too. The past few weeks we would have three days of violent, scorching heat, and then two where it either rained, or the wind blew so hard you couldn’t keep anything tied down. I love those days the most. Wind is power; a power is awesome to watch act itself out.

I want to start writing poetry again, but I need my inspiration. If I were to write right now, my main topics would include my post-graduation Fears, my Longing, or my Frustration with my music. So. I’m going to put it off for a little bit, and if I can actually come up with something decent on Love or even Lust, I’ll let you guys know (:

Questions, comments, concerns?
Here’s my weekly song quote, and also what I’m #nowplaying. This quote has a lot of power, but I think it’s in the way his voice ends it.

“Can you feel my trigger hand
moving further down your back
When you hide,
hide inside that body,
but just remember that when I touch you
the more you shake,
the more you give away…”

( Evans Blue )