Here’s a little literature-inspired ramble for ‘ya’. It, like every other story I tell, felt so good to get out onto digital paper. Funny thing? I hadn’t known before an hour ago that I had something to say:

Us roleplayers, we’re not all that different from the Suicide Pac(k)t (reference to albert borris’s book). Going into this online writing relationship, every one of us has problems, and most are seeking ways to handle or solve those problems. You might have grown up in a poor home where you never got to wear or eat name brands. Your parents may have loved you too much, overbearing and pressing in on your life from all sides, or never loved you at all; they could have been cold, money-calculating human beings with no sense of how to raise a child with love. You might have never had a romantic relationship – you might be too ugly, too fat, too lanky, or too young; you never felt like you belonged in the crowd you had to belong in. Someone once told me that every writer in this community has a story, a reason why they are there and not out shopping in a mall somewhere, and he is absolutely right.

Loneliness or “the itch” are the two main factors I’ve recognized in my fellow roleplayers, and I know that both exist in myself at the same time. Loneliness develops naturally, from rejection or instability or both. The Itch is the craving that some creative peoples feel in the “gut” of their mind. It’ll push them to do something, change something, but until they really sit down with a pen, paintbrush, or a ball of clay, they can’t fully understand what it is they are supposed to do.

The moment I wrote my first story, I knew that I’d found something to satisfy that itch, albeit temporarily. Other kids feel that roleplaying gives them a chance to live in a different world, maybe even a fantasy world like Pandora or Middle Earth, where the sky (i.e. administrative rules) is the limit, and life always has an off-switch. With the internet, if you are so frustrated that you need to get up and walk away, you can. It’s as simple as that. No one is going to follow you into your room when you don’t want to see them, or call you a million times just to yell at you when you finally do answer with a low,“What?” When you turn your computer off, you turn off that world, but it is as easy as electricity to immerse yourself in it all over again.

The characters are probably what I love most about my online community. Creating a character for a story or for a roleplaying forum is like molding a child, only this fictional “child” doesn’t have to be young. You, the creator, choose every single thing about the character from it’s weight to its history, likes and dislikes, appearance, personality, age, hair color, eye color, its passions, its fears, its hopes… essentially you are creating another you that doesn’t have to be you at all. How amazing is that? First, you create this character, following whatever form or guidelines are required of you (if any) on that particular board, and then you release it into this world – every character in that world can possibly be affected by your one character, just like every real person in our world can be impacted by us if that is our choosing.

A lot of critics in my own life, my closest family and friends, show me that only an RPG writer can understand what it means to be a part of this culture. Unless someone has experienced it for themselves, the good, bad and the difficult, it is an impossible concept to grasp. The biggest and most obvious statement tied to roleplaying: it is not real. They repeat that it is not the real world, and that we are living our most precious years out online instead of where we belong.

I know a few facts of my own, like: when I was in my early teens, an absolute noob to the online community, there was nowhere else that I did belong. I was awkward, lonely, unsatisfied with how I lived my life and how I looked. Sure, I had “friends”, but I did not fully understand how important a real friend could be until I began making them. Whether it be through chat, private messaging, or through your writing, the members of an RP site can become connected closer than any family in “real” life can. The anonymity that comes with a computer allows for complete honests – usernames become real names and ages, likes, dislikes and histories. The puppeteers, controlling all the fictional characters, become characters themselves. I would have never imagined the camaraderie that is aroused between two people living hundreds of miles apart; the love you can feel for someone you have never physically met? I have sisters in different states. Brothers that can put a smile on my face in under ten seconds, that live in cities I have never heard of. You start to share your life with these people. And whether you’re holed up in a room by yourself, or you’re signed into an internet cafe downtown, you start to live.


december, 2009

Currently reading: Wuthering Heights, Slaughter-house Five, & Maximum Ride #2 (Manga version).

Currently listening to (like right this very minute): Queen, Death Cab for Cutie, & Radiohead.

“…she was in love, according to the present universally received sense of that phrase, by which love is applied indiscriminately to the desirable objects of all our passions, appetites, and senses, and is understood to be that preference which we give to one kind of food rather than to another.” (ll.27-31, Anon.)

Usually it’s every Wednesday that my AP Literature teacher gives us an essay, but today in his absence, we received this week’s early. This was an exerpt of the second passage which I scribbled down fast in my notebook, because I liked it so much. The carefully coordinated phrase: “according to the present…phrase” is what made me laugh, because the meaning of “love” is changing so often.

I am getting a Tiffany’s necklace for Christmas :). Shallow? Me? No. But I do adore that little blue bag, containing that little sky blue box wrapped in a white satin bow sitting under my twinkling tree. It just looks at home there. Too bad that’s the first present I’m ripping (carefully) out from under said tree come Christmas morning. & after that, I will wear it every day. So those of you who know me…prepare yourselves for me to flaunt it. Not in an arrogant, bragging way, but like “EEEEK! LOOK! Ok. Carry on.”

I passed my Trig. test, barely, but I have really high hopes for my next one. Oh there’s another thing I lie to everyone about: my grades. WordPress, I will tell you this, it will be a miracle for me to pass highschool. What went wrong! That is what I don’t get. I know what I did: I was extremely lazy in both Chemistry & Government last year, as well as AP US History my 10th grade year, and had very poor end-of-the-year-report-card scores because of it. Acceptable. And so long as I can pass Adv. Alg./Trigonometry this year, no other class should really give me a problem. Actually, I just need to pass this semester (ends in January, after our Winter Break), and then the counselor has bumped me down to Algebra III, an on-level class, due to scheduling concerns. Much better teacher, much easier work. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling like a dumbass.

I have developed a dangerous habit, and can tell no one about it. WordPress, I can’t even tell you, because I have four people that care enough about me to ask, and it is no business of theirs to be rooting around in certain corners of my life. But I fear how long this habit is going to last. It is no real danger to my health, unless I’m stupid, so nobody jump to conclusions.

It’s as cold as ice outside. Oh how I wish it would snow. Maybe snow could inspire me, since snow boy could do it. Tehe. I tip my hat to those of you who got that horrible joke.

Yours truly has not yet had that sobbing, wretching cry that she so desperately needs this week. I’m getting in the shower soon — maybe it’ll happen then. How pathetic is that? When you have to schedule crying time. But crying and habit is how I let out that emotion deep inside me, y’know, the one that makes you want to scream as loud as your hoarse throat will let you? I would, but if I do it anywhere around here, someone or some stranger will come running, thinking I’m hurt or hurting someone. It’s not an angry scream, or a painful one; just “GAAAHHHH,BAHHHHHH,SAHHH!”, y’know? *shrug*

I had to post today, just so I could type and talk to someone. Funny: I talk to people all day, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten what I wanted to say out until I write it down. I guess it’s because on here, wordpress, with you, I’m not interrupted by mundane thoughts, ideas, comments, and questions. & any comments I do get, I can ignore. 🙂

What would I do without you?

Surely go on strike against life.

Can’t we just go now…

So..I’ve made Twilight plans with Nicole.; there is the possibility of us getting Jordan & Julie to go, but I doubt either one of them actually will.

There are few people that I’ve found — N being one of them — that can appreciate this movie without comparing it to the book the entire time. I’ve never seen it with her before, though I have seen it 4 other times, ahem. But she loves Twilight up to the insane level that I do, so we should get along just fine in the theatre. I know for a fact I don’t have to worry about her bashing it or thinking it’s too “different” from the books. We’ve already agreed that it’s wonderful.

Why would you go see it again you ask?
Because. If you had a franchise that you absolutely adored; what other way could you possibly support the actors, producers, author, directors, and the characters better? Going and spending my money on this Twilight industry not only makes me more and more proud about how popular it has gotten, but it makes me happy too. I get to see the movie — and in my opinion (for mine is the only one I’m caring about) — it is freaking awesome. It’s the type of movie you can watch over and over and never get tired of it. Like “Rush Hour”, or “Hannibal Rising”. They’re just too good to watch just once.

And once the DVD gets out, don’t think you’re coming over to my house and not watching it. No such luck XP. Suckers.

The hair, it is gone.

Not mine. Robert Pattinson’s.
But you know what I have to say about it, the only thing I have to say?


Now these screaming fangirls that are so sure that he is Edward Cullen can get over him. People, he is awesome not because of the role he plays, but because of how well he actually plays it. He’s played in a ton of other awesome movies too, “How To Be”, and yes, “HP4: Goblet of Fire”; and he has a new film coming out shortly, “Little Ashes”, based on the life of Salvador Dali.

I respect actors as actors. And yes, I will admit that I am an Edward Cullen fangirl. And a huge Robert Pattinson fan. But I don’t get those two mixed. He’s not the only actor I am a fan of, and I feel deeply sorry for him when at book signings he has girls going, “Oops! I just called you Edward…”

He cut his hair and if I knew any better I would think it was an attempt to see who loved him for him, not for his roles. And the Twi-fans and RPattz fans all seem to have mixed opinions about it. Frankly I think it is his hair and he can do whatever the bloody hell he wants to do with it. Leave him alone people; stop saying it’s the “hair cut heard ’round the world.” Yeah. That was an actual News Article Headline.  :] I’d support him if he was bald.


okay, maybe not bald. *grins*

Too much.

There are so many fields of study I could go into next year, and the year after I graduate. I could go the art route, but I’m not that good at that, whether it interests me or not — I could go with the wolves/zoologist route that I have always loved & I know so much about — I could go with my writing, my passion, and sometime I will admit that I am quite good at — I could take a year off to travel (on my own paycheck), or maybe even go with photography.

So much! I’m leaning toward following my “Zoologist based in Wolf Ethology” career, and maybe I could get my writing done at the same time. Multi-tasking. I’ve always been good at that.

Having my future laid out before me just thrills me. This is one very important part of my life that I have absolute control over. I decide. And whether I fail or succeed, it will be by my bidding.

Well, I’m off to my sister’s for two days. I may log on, probably won’t be able to. I love you all, my inspirations.

Such a merry Christmas

This December 25th helped me realize something (yay for realizations):

My worries are so trivial.
I’ve talked to people in the last 24 hours who have sufficient, mind-numbing, terrible problems to deal with on a day-to-day basis. People who have had some really screwed up shit happen to them; and here I sit, whining about boys or friends or school. They have their lives on the line, and are sometimes doing some pretty terrible things to dim those problems out, but I obliviously complain about things that don’t make a bloody difference.

I need to grow up, and slowly but surely, I think I am. Religiously, fundamentally, physically, culturally — I am growing up. And it’s about damn time. I need to realize that it isn’t just about me or my new presents; just because my old crush has no interest, that is not going to bring the walls down; my dad in the hospital isn’t the end of the world, because he is still in the hospital. Still on this earth. Some people don’t have that luxury with their fathers.

It is very, very sad for me to think that maybe some of my classmates will never come to this realization. They will graduate, date & marry the guy of their dreams, live in subsidized housing with a dog and a nice fake lawn; and they will die, going to church and spoiling their grandchildren like any “Great American Family” member should. No hardship, no grief, and no reality.
I am not wishing grief or hardship on anyone, but if you haven’t been at your lowest, the you haven’t experienced everything that could be with your life. You won’t know you “have it so good” if you’ve always had it that way. To step out, engage yourself with popular & unpopular culture, and work for what you want is healthy and I prescribe it to everyone.
Then, when you actually get the white-picket fence and the nice family, you will appreciate and love and protect them all the more.

I’ve not seen the lowest of my lows. And I don’t look forward to them, but they are there; there’s no avoiding pain or trial. You just have to hold tightly to your seat in the world, and brace for the ride. My seat? My friends. My real, true, lovely friends that I will die for. My family who looks at me and sees a great person without judging me first. My faith in myself. That is my stronghold here.

Out of the Stone Age, and with LCD too

I finished up all the “unwrapping, gifting, smiling, picture-taking” deal about an hour ago, ate breakfast, got dressed, and so now I figured I’d get on here and share my list with you all.
My family isn’t exactly rolling in it, especially not after the tax-problem with the thouse, so it isn’t huge; but I got everything that I wanted, and I’m definitely not complaining:

-My Twilight zip-hoodie! (precious)
-An LCD HDTV 15″ Flatscreen for my room.
-Black, fur-rimmed Ugg boots (snow boots)
-Six different long necklaces that hang down mid-shirt
-Sapphire Earrings
-Two new perfumes; Nollie & Bergamot
-The two books I bought yesterday at Borders
-An Aeropostale hoodie
-A black peacoat that cuts off almost at the knee; it’s long & black, and I have a grey scarf to go with it.
-Pajama bottoms & house shoes (the most comfortable kind you’ll never find)
-Two pairs of jeans
-A silver watch
-About 2,000 SOCKS. =] Only a slight exaggeration.

& then there was the basic candy & knicks like scratchoffs in my stocking. This Christmas was mainly for my mom’s grandkids, so I for once was not expecting us (my stepsister and I) to be the center of attention. Which is fine for me, because I’d rather be out of the limelight when it comes to my family’s attention. With me it always turns into some type of arguing if I don’t stay in the shadows.

I probably won’t be on the computer anymore today, but I might post tomorrow. The rest of my family should be arriving at the house in a few hours, and that’ll be the highlight of my day. Good’morrow, luvs.

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