What’s killing me.

Have you ever cared about someone enough to support them when they leave you?

Well I never have. Never had. My last relationship was really my first relationship — he opened my mind up to a whole new way; he helped me grow up, in 6 months time I aged in a fast, but healthy way into a young woman with growing confidence, and I wouldn’t give that up for the world. But there was a price. A broken heart.

I want to tell him that it wasn’t his to break. I never gave it to him, so why do I still feel as bad as the day he abandoned me whenever his name is mentioned? God, he didn’t fit in with my family, with my friends, or my everyday life — but I liked him. I liked him alot. Turns out: more than he ever liked me.

He uses that fucking school excuse like a crutch (“oh, college has taken hold of my life!” “I have my priorities.”) You know what? That’s BULLSHIT.

Because he started dating her at the end of his school year, 2nd semester, right after he says he doesn’t have any time for me. & the jealous little girl inside me wants to know what she has that kept him so intrigued, and made him love her so much, while he could be so cold with me. In the beginning, it was so good —  and I told him things I haven’t repeated to a soul. There was laughter, excitement, even a little spice one or two times, and I know that a part of him wanted soemthing to work. But then he prioritizes, and I was left in the dark.

No matter how happy I am now, the emptiness left from those unanswered questions still gnaw at me. My own baggage and insecurities have been stacking up since then.

One phone call was what killed me.

That’s what I regret listening to.

While on webcam, talking lightly like we were old friends, he got a call from his girlfriend. He thought he muted me from hearing, but I heard every gentle word he said to her. What broke my heart all over again, was how eerily similar his conversation with her was to the phone calls he used to have with me. He talks to her like he talked with me. Except this time, when he went to hang up after promising to call back, there was a small laugh and an “I love you.”

He’s happy and God forbid anything happen to ruin that happiness, and from what I hear she’s very sweet…
but a part of me, a giant green monster on my shoulder, is so confused as to why I didn’t deserve it. What’s wrong with me in his eyes, and then…  why was I so disposable?

I don’t want him back. I want answers.


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