Pause.

Pause.

This is the moment of silence. *waits*

Okay, now the pledge. *pledge*

Alright now that I’m done with all that from first period.

Hello, wordpress, I’ve missed you in the few days I haven’t posted anything. Let’s do a brief overview of my life in the past few days: I have been in contact with an Irish Brazilian, Raphael. He’s pretty cool “)

I got my letter, my rejection letter, from Minnesota U last week — I can’t remember if I put that in my last post. I wasn’t really depressing at the time but later on this week, when my mind started going over all the things that I’d wanted to do up there, it brought my mood down to extreme levels. Well, extreme levels for me. I never thought I’d be such a slacker in highschool — and compared to some of my friends and some people I’ve seen, I’m not even that bad! — but I slacked enough not to get into my #1 school, and that just makes me want to go curl up in a ball somewhere.

My mom’s lung disease is back to kicking her ass again; my dad has to get glasses because his vision is getting so bad (a product of his aneursym surgery, no doubt); my brother is in an alcohol/drug depression he can’t seem to get out of; I’m still single.

See? Plenty of reasons to not feel your “bestest.”

I wish I was one of those people who just see life as such a deep blessing, and thank the stars and the Lord every day for being able to walk on this planet. They look to the cosmos with wonder, while I look to the stars for a way out. Instead of imagining all the glory of an undiscovered planet or another realm or some shit, I’m looking up there hoping an alien ship happens to be passing buy that has an extra seat open. Yep.

So now it’s almost March and I have to kick myself into gear. Wanna know the truth, wordpress? I’m scared. I’m scared to be alone for the rest of my life just because of the way I look or the slightly antisocial way I act. I’m don’t act that way with everybody… just the extremely redneck or ghetto ones that I don’t take a liking to. A friend of mine, Emily, tells me that I’m one of the sweetest people she knows, and though I don’t think I deserve that title and really believe the compliment should be reversed back on to her, it gives me a little insight that not everybody thinks I’m scary bad. Another friend, Daniel, tells me that I’m a wonderful person that will get someone who’ll appreciate me soon. But when it soon, 30 years? I don’t know if my fragile emotional cusp can take that. I have been asked out once, I’ve never been kissed, never been held (in that way) by anyone who cared for my feelings. I’m just lonely damnit, and I need to stop complaining about it.

Some how my school’s “anti-educational-site-tracking-software” has not picked up wordpress yet. Good news for me 🙂 They’ve blocked almost everything other outlet I have to express my problems. So if they do read this, THANK YOU. Please don’t block this. I won’t let you down — good school *pats*, good school.

Remember that list of crushes? It has been fluxuating for the past month, and I think I’ve got it down to four, one of which I could never have. He is the pitcher for our school’s baseball team and, dude, he’s beautiful. The asian sort of beautiful — just my type. He’s a very “good” kid, carries a tiny little bible in his slingbag, and goes to FCA every Thursday like I should. And he also has a girlfriend, a very pretty girlfriend who doesn’t treasure him nearly as much as he should be treasured, in my opinion. So there’s really no hope there.

But the other three, *shrug* they have their hopeful moments. Two of which give me daily hugs which just brighten up my day most of the time, especially those long hugs (I sound desperate as fuck.). Anyway. And the other is a complex individual I have yet to really sort out. First, I have to truly befriend him — I talk to him now, sit with him at lunch sometimes (not just him, a group of people), but it’s not close enough for us to know each other — and then I’ll go from there.

*nervous laugh* Yeah. All three are tall, taller than me, too. *ponders* Is that a #secretturnon, as Kaylle might say. ^-^ Don’t think so.

Nah, most asians are short.

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