Lost in the Moment

Not much to touch on for this week.
I’m becoming aware and trying to get a hold on another problem of mine: not being so possessive over all the guys I have the slightest interest in. In my head, I have a list of all the boys I come in contact with that I don’t want any other girl talking to or flirting with. A few friends of mine and I have had arguments – actual fights! – because of this possessive nature of mine.

I am not delusional to the point where I think they are mine or that they could become mine anytime soon, but it doesn’t keep me from wanting the rest of the female population to ignore them. I SAY “Oh, I want you to be happy,” but really it means “I want you to be happy with me.” So that’s my New Years’ resolution: to dial it down a notch.

This year I’ve been attracted to a whole new batch of  boys. Sure, there’s still last year’s handsome asian that I fawn over, but personality has become a huge factor in the “like” “not like” determination. And I have way too many crushes.

Just in the classes I have there are five or six that I would consider dateable, more last semester than this semester. Almost all of them are seniors, but there are exceptions.

My friends Matt and Josh, new friends from my environmental science class, and I all experimented with electricity today (on a side note). Matt somehow found out that the little knob on the side of our teacher’s laptop would complete an electrical current if you touched it and metal simultaneously. It was actually pretty cool – gave a decent sized buzz – and I found it worked even better if you licked your fingers first. Haha, the times we have in science. Those two are amazing, sort of bad influences, as is Nicky who sits with us, but amazing all the same. I’m still pretty iffy on her.

If anyone reads this, which I seriously doubt it, you would notice that I changed my layout…again. And this one is very plain, and a little strange, but I like the simplicity. Yeah, the red highlighted links are a little weird, and so is all the bolding, but I can deal with it and so will you.

March will be a very exciting month for me: the Eclipse trailer should be out by then, the premiere of Robert Pattinson’s new film “Remember Me” is then, the release of the Twilight Saga: New Moon DVD is in March (the…15th? Not positive.), and there’s a few other similar events that I’m super excited about. And then in June: the TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE! && True Blood Season 3! Ohmijees.

I am passionate about few things: wolves, books, writing, scenery… so when I lock on to something (say Twilight, for example), I stick with it a long time.

 

This is the start of a new year, a new DECADE; 2010! We are SEN10RS! <=

And I’m excited and terrified, suprised and nervous, anxious, nostalgic, nauseous, thrilled, depressed, worried, lonely, compressed, and stressed all at once. There are so many conflicting and compiling emotions in me it’s hard to breathe sometimes, and at other times I feel like I am in control. Damn teenage emotions and hormones.

But overall, more than anything, I am really lonely.

How pathetic of me to say. I’m lonely. Some might say DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, get in shape, go find your perfect partner and stop pretending with everybody else! I just want to find someone who sees my overbearing flaws and is still proud of me for the good things I accomplish, and who cherishes my good qualities instead of my bad. Someone who’ll hug me and give me that sense of security, and kiss me hard enough to make my head spin and set my veins on fire. Not literally. I want that, because damnit, I think I deserve it. I’ve never had any sort of romance in my life, not for real. And I figure, eh, at 17 (!), it’s about that time. I don’t need a super-physical relationship, I just need someone there for me that I know I can talk to without judgement or digust. I’m tired of walking on eggshells and being careful with what I say. If I find someone I can talk to and not have to lie to to get his affection and to make him smile, maybe then I could feel love.

Sigh. I’m emotional too.

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