what I want & what I believe.

My friends & I were talking the other day about “love“. I told them that I didn’t believe in it, receiving  a collective gasp about the room. “How can you not believe in love?!” they said. “That’s like heresy!”

I believe in the subjective love you receive from your Father, your parents, your family — but that isn’t the storybook, head-over-heels, Cinderella story, murin beatha dan compassion & infinite loyalty and heat that love supposedly is. Show me a couple that is in true, true love, and I will show you a fairytale. A good friend of mine had a theory: love has avoided me. It’s “out there”, as he might say. But I have neither seen it, nor experienced it, so how am I supposed to know?

Sure, I’ve seen and witnessed LUST, and FASCINATION. Fascination I’ve experienced myself and confused it with “liking”, or “pursuing”; and lust…well, I think everyone develops lust for a few members of the population, especially when you’re a teenager, but whether you act upon those feelings of attraction is stricly up to your moral code. My code says no, no action — and I haven’t. Per se.

I think two people can fight with each other, pull each other through some seriously hard times, befriend on another, be caught up (fascinated) with one another, be loyal, be jealous & protective, or envious; but “in l.o.v.e”? Yet to be proven.

Don’t comment me and say “Blahh, you’re just pessimistic & asking for attention,” because honestly I don’t think barely anyone reads this blog. If I wanted attention I’d put it on MySpace or something. I just want to ask for some accounts, or witness statements of when you’ve seen true love. No childish scenes of gazing into each other’s eyes. I mean the kind of love you see in Nicholas Sparks novels & Jane Austen flicks, or even in Stephenie Meyer’s books; the kind of love that you will die for to protect and savor. No one seems to get those feelings anymore & that’s kind of sad.

What do I want? I want a guy that can be chilvarous at times and not think I’m going to go all “feminist” on him; I want a guy that can star-gaze with me, & listen to awesome music without throwing my bands under the bus; I want a guy that isn’t going to boss me around and try to act like my dad, but who wants to protect me and keep me from harm, whether it be emotional or physical; I want someone with manners and a lick of dignity; I want a man that can be my best friend, someone who cracks me up and enjoys just spending time with me without expecting someone, but who can also be my companion & my partner.
What do I believe? I believe the sun should never set upon an argument; I believe we place out happiness in other people’s hands; I believe that junk food tastes so good because it’s bad for you; I believe your parents did the best job they know how to do; I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem; I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned; I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side; I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye;  I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality; I believe that trust is more important than monogomy; I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul; I believe that family is worth more than money or gold; I believe that struggle for financial freedoms is unfair — I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires; I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness.(Affirmation – Savage Garden)

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nicole
    Jan 31, 2009 @ 05:24:37

    Rawr rawr rawr,

    I wish I could give you some better advice then the following:

    1) I didn’t believe in love for five years. Strongly, passionately, I refused to believe in it. And I still do. The love that most people think of, I call a “coin word”. I don’t believe in it. The best you can do is stick to WHY you do/don’t believe in something and state your definition of what you’re fighting for/against. I’ve won so many arguments / lost so many arguments over it and I always left thinking about that persons opinion. I want them to leave thinking the same too.

    2) Yet I am head over heels, tragically in love. Silly am I, huh? It’s not everyone’s love though. It’s the love where I can tell you anything about Trevor you ever want to know, I’ve known him for four years and I can honestly say I’ve never met a more interesting person. He respects me for who I am and adores me despite everything I’ve ever done. And He knows EVERYTHING. We never get bored of each other. Ever. He wants to be with me. Despite it all. Despite my strong hatred towards everyone’s love and my huge amount of problems with the word “boyfriend” and “commitment” and “relationship”. He wants to be the guy that SHOWS me the definition of each of those words.

    3) I’m not saying believe me, have faith or any of that. Because those are all bullshit arguments I got sick of hearing ages of go. I’m saying find YOUR meaning of love. Find what YOU’RE looking for. Know it. Memorize it. Want it. Find YOUR love and there’s never anything better. And that’s love, for me. Something that utterly gives you joy. I love it.

    Okay Amandas I hope that all made sent and I made my point across. I truly want you to understand what I mean because I do not want you to have deal with all the criticism I’ve dealt with since day one. But there’s my two cents, think about it. :] ❤

  2. Nicole
    Jan 31, 2009 @ 05:26:16

    oh, and an addition to number two, how can you not love that?

  3. Nicole
    Jan 31, 2009 @ 05:27:31

    sense* 😛

  4. amanda
    Jan 31, 2009 @ 16:03:15

    Touche`. I just can’t overcome the “coin word” aspect of it all. I’ve never been with and seen a couple that is in love — heard stories, seen movies, read books,

    but witnessed? With my own two eyes?
    Never.

    [but I understand everything. It made “sent”. XP

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